The Noels Have Finally Rented the Mustique House


All the New Year’s Eve high jinks and substance overuse and tawdry hookups must not have leaked yet, because there’s very little nutritious gossip to be had this second day of 2009. Starting on a note of global relief, the Noel Family — yes, the ones who lost $7.5 billion in the Madoff thing, and who also send out rhymed, smiley epics about themselves every holiday — have finally rented their massive Mustique compound for $55,000 a week. (Full disclosure, we have pooled our ‘08 salaries and will be blogging live from there all next week.) America Ferrera went sightseeing and had lunch at Patsy’s with her boyfriend and his parents.

Charles Barkley was busted for suspected drunken driving in Arizona, and told cops he was in a hurry to get a blow job from a woman who, the week before, had given him the best one of his life. Charles, you could have driven more slowly and considered it mental foreplay, and not endangered yourself and others, and also avoided that upsetting, sweaty mug shot. Matt Dillon got busted for speeding, too, in Vermont, but looks pretty good in his mug shot, albeit not very amused. Tom Cruise and the makers of his Nazi movie, Valkyrie, have angered the writer of the Rice-a-Roni jingle, because that guy not only owns but has a copyright on the globe Hitler used to plan attacks, but the movie went ahead and copied the globe without his permission. Nazi memorabilia…the real San Francisco treat! People like Sharon Stone and Halle Berry have shelled out $50,000 donations to O-Man (Barack) before getting invited to his inauguration, but Diddy, who’s “acting like it’s a party at Bungalow 8,” wants to get in for free. O-Woman (Winfrey) just gave $365,000 to a private school in a poor part of Atlanta.

Madonna made $280 million (that she desperately needed) from her tour this year, but will still do a few more shows in London this summer. Jamie Foxx is annoying people at parties by making the D.J. play his new single over and over again, and dancing to it on top of the D.J. booth. JFK will be portrayed in a new novel as a compulsive White House sex fiend, showing that some authors can still really bring imagination to the job. Jude Law looked good with his shirt off over the holidays on the beach in Brazil. Miley Cyrus really likes to flash that peace sign in photographs. Britney and Rosie O’Donnell were the celebs that most people didn’t want to have as a neighbor, a vital poll reveals, while Sarah Palin and O-Woman were the ones most people wanted. Lindsay and Samantha will stay together through ‘09 if they can survive a big spring fight, psychics predict, also auguring that one of the Obama daughters will have a “sweet, young romance.” No, that is way too soon, soothsayers, please take that back — they don’t even start their new school till Monday!