Welcome to the Home Prison of Bernie Madoff!

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Photo: Everett Bogue; Photos: Getty Images

Top New York real-estate brokers have been asked to visit Madoff's tony penthouse at 133 East 64th Street, between Lexington and Park Avenues, to assess its value with an eye toward unloading it, one of the agents said yesterday. —New York Post

Scene: 133 East 64th Street. Irving Picard, the trustee appointed by a federal bankruptcy-court judge to oversee the liquidation of Madoff's Manhattan investment firm, is showing a broker around the apartment.

Picard: So as you can see, here we have a Sub-Zero refrigerator and a Viking ... [Bernie Madoff wanders into the room wearing boxers and a BLM 1938 hoodie ] Oh ... Hey.

Madoff: [Smiles broadly] Well, hello there.
Picard: [To broker] So ... this is, uh ... Bernard ...
Madoff: Call me Bernie! [Offers hand] How's the world outside? [Lowers voice] You know, I am trapped here. They have me trapped here like some kind of common criminal. It's almost like jail.
Broker: [Stuttering] It's a pleasure — it's um, really nice to — a really nice place you have here.
Madoff: [Beaming] Isn't it? This guy here doesn't understand how nice it is. He'll tell you it's worth around $8 million, because it's not directly by the park. But there's a lot of special details that make it worth a lot more than you'd think. There's a lot of hidden assets
Picard: [Raises eyebrows]
Madoff: Hahahahahah! Not that kind! [To broker] Really, I'd like to show you around myself, but this joker here —
Picard: Actually, we really should be moving on ...
Madoff: Fine! Well, don't mind me! I'm just fixing myself a sandwich! Oprah is on in a little bit. The other day she actually mentioned me! Oprah! [Opens refrigerator and removes a jar, begins spreading a lumpy black substance on a kaiser roll.] Thanks for these kaiser rolls, by the way, Irving! You were really right that I should use up my canned goods to save money!

As Picard and the broker walk away. Madoff, whistling "Solitary Man," puts the jar back in the cupboard. The label reads Almas.

Scene.

BERNIE FACES BOOT [NYP]