Birds Launched Multipronged Holiday Attacks

By
Friend of conservatives. Photo: Miami Herald

On Monday afternoon, a flock of four birds launched themselves into the path of a Cessna plane attempting to take off from Salt Lake City. On the same day, a twenty-pound turkey vulture suicide-bombed another Cessna trying to take off from Fort Lauderdale. Unlike the bird masterminds who took down US Airways Flight 1549, the vulture was not able to destroy the evidence by sinking it below the waves. As you can see from the picture to the left, it is still stuck in the window — revealing to all his simple yet sinister intentions. Later that day, a mysterious force brought down a small twin-engine plane in Mansfield, Massachusetts. In this case, there is no evidence of avian interference. Yet.

The good news is that the birds are getting sloppy and, in all of these instances, no one was hurt. The bad news is that they're beginning to get desperate, and you know what that means: They're going to bring the war to our territory. Birds don't only exist in the sky — we're watching you, chickens.