Apparently, the Greatest Depression has been good for condoms. Sales were up 5 percent in the fourth quarter of 2008, and 6 percent in January. Condom companies are trying to spin this as a positive thing: “If people don’t have the money to go out to a fancy dinner or are looking to cut back, Trojan gives them some real affordable ways to stay in and make some great memories together,” Jim Daniels, vice-president of marketing for Trojan, tells USA Today. Aw. No seriously: Stuff it, Jim. Without doing any market research we can safely say there are but two real reasons people are buying condoms, (1) they are too poor to even think about having children and (2) other forms of birth control are too expensive because our stupid conservative patriarchal society has made it so our health-care companies don’t cover them enough, or at all. So there. Make some memories out of that. Not that that makes sense either. But you get our drift.