Congress Makes Halfhearted Attempt at Preventing Future Monkey Attacks

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They'll be greeted as liberators? Photo: Getty Images

Because assaults on humans by highly trained oenophile monkeys have reached epidemic levels, Congress has finally decided to step in. Except that, probably because of the Constitution or something, the Captive Primate Safety Act that the House of Representatives will consider today won't actually outlaw the practice of keeping monkeys as pets. Instead, it'll "prohibit individuals from buying or transporting primates across state lines as pets." So if you can find a face-eating monkey in your own state, go for it. [Ben Smith/Politico]