“Fuck the haters!” Gwyneth Paltrow says in the March issue of British Elle. “I saw this blog of people writing horrible things about me and for a second your ego is so wounded … How could people hate me, my intentions or what I’m trying to do? I’m a good person and I’m trying to put good things into the world.”
Aw, gee. This kind of stuff always makes us feel bad. Look, Gwyneth Paltrow, don’t take it personally. We doubt this “blog of people” that you reference hates Gwyneth Paltrow the Person, because they don’t actually know Gwyneth Paltrow the Person. What they hate is Gwyneth Paltrow the Personality, which, you have to admit, is a little bit noxious. Let us walk you through it.
Twelve Reasons People Hate Gwyneth Paltrow (The Personality)
1. She’s beautiful and thin.
2. And then she goes and preaches these crazy diet tips but is, like, the only kind of person in the world to have the time and resources to stick to it.
3. Also, she’s smart and well educated.
4. And, since her father was a successful director and her mother was a famous actress, she probably didn’t really need to work.
5. But she did anyway, thereby taking up a slot in the economy that could be filled by an impoverished person, albeit a thin, beautiful, talented impoverished person.
6. And then she didn’t even really appreciate it: “I don’t really understand the concept of having a career, or what agents mean when they say they’re building one for you,” she said once. “I just do things I think will be interesting and that have integrity. I hate those tacky, pointless, big, fluffy, unimportant movies.”
7. She is married to a kind of dorky rock star, and it actually seems to be working. Which is no good at all.
8. She named her kids the most eye-rolling names ever and then was like, “What?” when everyone rolled their eyes.
9. She deserves awards for her acting, but not really for Shakespeare in Love, for which she won the Academy Award.
10. She is close friends with Madonna, and therefore seems untrustworthy, since anyone who is close with Madonna is also possibly not a human being but made of Quorn.
11. She was such a bitch to Kathy Griffin that one time.
12. Oh and there’s this: “I love the English lifestyle, it’s not as capitalistic as America. People don’t talk about work and money, they talk about interesting things at dinner. I like living here because I don’t fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans.”
Anyone else have anything to add?
Gwyneth Gets Even [OK!]