Reading all the fuss yesterday and this morning over Michael Phelps getting caught on camera smoking out of a big glass bong, we had some thoughts. Here they are:
• Of course Michael Phelps smokes pot. He’s not going to do any other kind of crazy drug, he’s 23 years old, has a goofy grin, and he sort of missed out on college. Is there any scenario in which he wouldn’t smoke pot?
• His apology was cleverly worded. “I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me.” Translation: “I’m just a kid. Remember when you were 23? You smoked pot and sat around with your hand down your pants. I won eight gold medals wearing pants so tight my junk barely fits down there.”
• Dude, the man has to consume 10,000 calories a day. You think the munchies just happen by themselves?
• The people who took the incriminating picture are anti-American keg monkeys. The incident occurred in November at a (seemingly made-up) place called the “University of South Carolina in Columbia.” He was at a house party and someone eagerly handed him a bong. “He looked just as natural with a bong in his hands as he does swimming in the pool. He was the gold medal winner of bong hits,” says the News of the World source who sold the pictures, who clearly spent the intervening months smoking enough weed to think of that one stupid line. “Michael ended up getting a little paranoid, though, because before too long he looked like he was nervous and ran out of the place.” Yeah, because you took a bunch of pictures of him right after you handed him the bong, butt-spelunker.
• Yes, this is a bad example for kids. But it’s also an excellent example of bad behavior and consequences. It’s a teaching moment, parents!
• Weren’t his endorsement deals going to expire shortly anyway? Andrea Peyser in the Post calls him a “Pool Fool” for endangering his lucrative ad deals with this snafu, but wasn’t his book rushed out in the fall because his handlers knew his buzz would die shortly into the new year? We have Captain Sullenberger to hero-worship now.
• Europe is still totally jealous. Notice this picture didn’t appear first in an American rag — even the National Enquirer, which pays for such things, didn’t run it. It took the lowest of the bottom-feeders in the British press to pay top dollar for the damaging image. What, United Kingdom — our liberal black president, hero pilot, and best athlete in the world are too much for you to handle? You’re even trying to turn Leona Lewis, your current best asset, into a watered-down, non-dancing Beyoncé. Just stop now, guys, you’re embarrassing yourselves.
WHAT A DOPE [News of the World]