Tom Junod spent a few days following Shepard Smith around Fox News, and you know what? We think something must have happened there that caused him to finally lose his mind entirely. Here is what we gleaned about Smith, "arguably the least known of Fox's foundational talents" from the resulting story.
What Shep's Face Looks Like Up Close: "It's extreme, without being irregular; indeed, its extremity lies in its action-figure regularity, its plane-sawed proportions. Well, that and his eyes. His eyes are points of interest, both on television and in person. They look done, if you want to know the truth ... His right eyebrow is steeply and permanently peaked, like a tattoo of skeptical interest. And his eyes themselves ... well, you meet him and you don't even register what color they are. You register their shine. No matter what the light, he is the one guy in the room whose eyes always catch it and return it with a mineral gleam."
What Shep's Desk Looks Like: "It's not your typical desk, made out of wood. It's a Fox desk — a desk commissioned by Fox News — and so it's a maximalist desk, in both conception and design. It's made out of a clear slab of Lucite laid atop a piece of burnished metal. And it connects to a set of Lucite steps, which connect in turn to a Lucite catwalk suspended from the ceiling."
What Shep's Office Looks Like: "The only thing that distinguishes it from other news organizations is that the freebie books scattered on desks and countertops all call for a return to the gold standard, and there are a lot of sexy girls running around in tight sweaters, seamed stockings, and black high heels."
Yeah. We know he's not for everyone, but we are normally fans of Tom Junod — his weird, overwrought details usually add up to something. But this time they just added up to a colossal "What?" that reverberated around our apartment when we said it out loud. Frankly, we're a little concerned about the dude. Especially that description of the Fox offices, which sounds a little too Eyes Wide Shut for us. Seamed stckings? Is it possible he was drugged upon entry to the Fox News offices? Junod, if we were you, we'd go back to that building and see if it's still there.