Bristol Palin Dumps Sex on Skates!

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Photo: Getty Images

The below is a segment from the hottest script being circulated around Hollywood. Sean Faris is already in talks to play Levi Johnston, and Leighton Meester is already gaining weight to play the role of the pregnant Bristol Palin.

[Camera pans across a North Slope oil field. Men trudge back from the lines, wiping grease from their foreheads, exhausted from the long day. Their wives wait together by the pickup trucks in the parking lot, some holding children on their hips, others quietly smoking American Spirit cigarettes. BRISTOL PALIN sits inside the one lone SUV, with her baby, Tripp, sleeping gently in her lap. She watches as her fiancé, LEVI JOHNSTON, crosses through the crowd. The other women eye him hungrily. He flashes them his trademark grin, one by one, as he slowly makes his way to Bristol and the baby.]

BRISTOL

Why are you so happy today, honey?

LEVI
I have some great news!

BRISTOL
Really? Finally, some good news. These past few months have been so hard. I've been waiting for the sun to peek through the clouds.

LEVI
I quit my job!

BRISTOL
What?

LEVI
Well, I thought about it …

BRISTOL
You thought?

LEVI
And I realized, why am I doing all this hands-on work at the oil field in this job your mom got me, when I could have a much more high-paying job in the capital?

BRISTOL
But my mom can't just keep getting you jobs, Levi.

LEVI
Well, I thought of that, too. I realized if she doesn't, I can just sell my story to OK! magazine, and that's a year's salary right there. After that, I figure everything will just work itself out. Imagine how much more free time I would have!

BRISTOL
It would be nice to have you home more with Tripp. [She moves to hand Levi the baby, as she has to start driving home. He does not see this as he begins fiddling with the radio stations, trying to find his favorite progressive-rock channel.]

LEVI
Yeah! Home! Also, I could finally get to the bar in time to see the other dudes from high school. Working late here on the fields has been really a drag. [A fortysomething woman walks by the car and winks into the tinted windows. She thinks she's making eye contact with Levi, but actually she's just winked at Bristol and the baby, who are both appalled.]

BRISTOL
Levi, I think we have to talk.

LEVI
What? You know I hate talking.

BRISTOL
I know. It's just, well ... I think one of the back tires is low, could you check it out?

[The progressive rock fades, and a slow, but familiar syncopated beat begins softly playing.]

LEVI
Uh, sure. [He opens the door. Bristol notices another teen mother in the Camry next to her has drawn a heart in the steam on her window and is staring through it at him.]

BRISTOL
Do you know all these women?

LEVI
What, around here? [He smirks, and gestures at the parking lot full of wives and girlfriends.] I guess. [He burps.] They're real friendly. You know Wasilla!

BRISTOL
Oh, I certainly do. [She puts the baby in the car seat behind her as Levi begins to kick the tires in the back of the SUV. The music has become louder: It's Carly Simon singing softly.]

LEVI
[From behind the car.] Babe, everything looks good to me back here. You always think there's something wrong when everything's fine!

BRISTOL
Oh, Levi. You always think something's fine when everything's wrong. [She revs the engine, shoving the car into first gear and spinning a little doughnut in the parking lot. The passenger door slams shut with the movement as she turns on her boyfriend. Tripp, in the backseat, giggles.]

LEVI
[Chasing the car.] What the hell is going on??

BRISTOL
I'm going maverick on you, bitch. I finally realized I don't need a fox. I deserve a lion! You're going to have to find a new meal ticket. In the meantime, have fun with your cougars! [She rolls up her window and burns rubber out of the parking lot. Carly Simon is now belting "Let the River Run." Watching Palin pull out of the oil field, the other women on the lot turn back to their husbands and get into their cars. Eventually, Levi is left in the parking lot, alone with the spurting rigs.]

For Bristol Palin, a Romance Ended [Caucus/NYT]