Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Recent College Grad Who’s Never Had a Meaningful Relationship, female, 22, Gramercy Park, straight, single.
DAY ONE
8:04 a.m.: Awake to text from the Soul Mate. He is still at college and excited about my upcoming visit. I immediately daydream about having a family with him and what names we will give our kids and dog based on shared musical interests. Our kids would be gorgeous.
8:05 a.m.: I am alone in my huge bed with gold sateen sheets. Seventies porn-star bedding choice. They pick up stains pretty easily, which is annoying on my laundry bill.
8:33 a.m.: My bangs don’t look good today because I didn’t shower. Older man makes eye contact with me on the subway. I look away to text the Soul Mate back. Try not to sound like the most desperate texter alive.
11:02 a.m.: At project-manager job, meeting with my Work Crush. He has no redeeming qualities other than being by far the hottest person in the office.
4:52 p.m.: Want to leave the office really badly. Swapping texts with the Soul Mate. Sometimes it seems like he is an alien with the things he says to me. He’s not much of a catch, but for some reason I am so drawn to him.
6:31 p.m.: Go tanning on 23rd Street. This is the greatest sense of satisfaction for me other than sex. Must look extra tan for homecoming. Have toned down my eating too. I am excited; so is my libido.
11:13 p.m.: Finally shower. My bangs are going to look superb tomorrow. Fall asleep while rereading Slaughterhouse-Five. I’m not so interested in the book this time around.
DAY TWO
8:04 a.m.: There’s that BlackBerry alarm.
11:11 a.m.: Talking on Gchat with one of my best friends about the Almost Relationship I had last year with a guy I think hates me with every inch of his soul. Although he may be in love with me, and still attends my old college. My plan is to attempt to be mean to him when we see each other. I lied to him earlier this year and said that I was pregnant to get a rise out of him. He didn’t appreciate it.
3:31 p.m.: Work crush just saw me stumble with coffee. At least I’m wearing a good outfit today.
6:14 p.m.: Meet up with two girlfriends at a Murray Hill bar. I traditionally don’t like to travel north of 30th Street in the fear of seeing people I know from high school.
8:33 p.m.: No dinner, so thin and drunk. I’m talking to a guy who could have easily gone to my high school. He uses too much hair gel. I pretend to be interested in talking about the Giants.
9:12 p.m.: Hair Gel tries to make out with me at the bar. I say I have to leave.
11:28 p.m.: Drunk packing for the weekend while listening to “Disturbia” on repeat with my roommate. We are pathetic. I pack condoms.
12:19 a.m.: Blatant drunk text from Hair Gel, “where did you go, beautiful?” I laugh aloud.
12:23 a.m.: Masturbate to thought of the Almost Relationship. I think I’m still in love with him, fuck. Pass out.
DAY THREE
7:51 a.m.: Wake up before my alarm. Bizarre, but I guess I’m just excited.
10:14 a.m.: This. Work. Day. Could. Not. Be. Going. Any. Slower.
1:11 p.m.: Work Crush comments on how good I look today. I have been attempting to cover up my low-cut dress with my hair. It’s a weird system, but it’s working.
5:41 p.m.: Dart out of work, friends pick me up in my car. I can’t control my excitement and am actually screaming in the car. There is nothing like being at school.
8:01 p.m.: We are playing Kill, Fuck, or Marry in the car with an infantry of commonly known men. Why is this car trip five hours?
9:15 p.m.: We get stopped for not turning our headlights off when a car is approaching on the other side of the road. Are upstate cops this bored?
10:17 p.m.: COLLEGE! I miss this place. Go straight from car to bar, and I see all my younger friends. Upon going to hug a friend, he makes out with me. I tell him I can only respect that move due to its audacity.
2:43 a.m.: Off-campus all-male house with a bunch of friends. My friend says I can sleep in his bed. He has a girlfriend and is worried, but I assure him it will be okay by screaming “Platonic sleepover!”
2:45 a.m.: He initiates the hand-on-hip move. This is going to be bad. We start making out. He has an enormously thick penis. How does he deal with this thing? He thinks I should leave. I go to the door and he pulls me back.
3:10 a.m.: He tries to finger me over the borrowed lacrosse pants I am sporting. It’s an awkward move and in no way sensual. He keeps referencing his girlfriend, and he doesn’t know if he should break up with her or not. He thinks I should leave.
3:12 a.m.: Him to me: “I want to rail you right now.”
3:15 a.m.: This guy seems like he’s in emotional crisis. I leave, and sleep in another room. My friends are too drunk to process the events I am retelling.
DAY FOUR
10:10 a.m.: I need to get out of this house. Too awkward to bump into him in the hall.
11:30 a.m.: Smoking and drinking already. See the Almost Relationship. He is NOT into me at all. He even says, “Why are you visiting?” I think back to the semi-good days we used to share.
2:15 p.m.: You can buy 30-racks of beer in upstate New York for less than $10.
7:30 p.m.: Since we aren’t really staying anywhere, we go straight to bars. Long Island Tea–esque drinks called Mary’s Specials. My old-age body can’t handle this. Friend hands out a pill that apparently has euphoria as a side effect.
11:11 p.m.: Hanging out at the bar with the Soul Mate. He is weirdly distant, even though he has been texting and messaging me all week. I’m very confused.
2:30 a.m.: Hanging out in a house where Soul Mate lives, but evidently he went to sleep early. I text him and get no response. Ouch.
3:05 a.m.: Walk to a different house with another guy friend. I am really attracted to him right now. I have never considered hooking up with him before.
3:14 a.m.: We are in his bed talking and two of my friends walk in saying they need to sleep here too. He has a king-size bed. I’m annoyed.
3:41 a.m.: We whisper for a half hour while they sleep. Boy starts arbitrarily making out with me. My two friends are sleeping on the other side of the bed. I’m trying to be quiet. He is extremely muscular.
3:51 a.m.: I pray to God my friends cannot hear me, but I’m pretty sure they can’t. And we are suddenly somehow having sex. In our clothes. How did this transition so quickly? I am so quiet, and don’t move. I am not even thinking about if it feels good or not because all I can think about is staying quiet.
3:59 a.m.: He says, “Are you on the Pill, because I just came inside you.” I freak out, I am NOT on the pill and I just had sex with my guy friend with two of my girlfriends in the same bed. This is a new low. I tell him I’ll get the morning-after pill the next day.
DAY FIVE
11:01 a.m.: All four of us wake up in bed. Everything is normal and we are chatting.
11:03 a.m.: My male friend asks me, in front of my two other friends, if we had sex last night. He can’t remember. They look at me in disgust.
11:04 a.m.: The girls tell the boy that he should pay for my morning-after pill. I need to get out of here. He gives us all sweaters to wear because it’s cold out.
11:29 a.m.: All the girls meet to have breakfast. I leave halfway through the meal to go to the drugstore. I have never taken the morning-after pill before.
1 p.m.: A sports game that has been canceled because the opposing school all got diarrhea. Drinking. Don’t talk to anyone. Feeling like a Grade-A Slut right now.
9:18 p.m.: We are all sitting around in a sports bar playing our traditional game of Spin the Bottle. I land on the Soul Mate! We are embarrassed because everyone knows we love each other. They are all texting around the circle about it. We make out in glorious form. I am so in love with him. I hope he loves me back.
Midnight: All my friends’ cell-phone alarms go off to remind me to take the pill, round two.
1:19 a.m.: I cannot go home with anyone tonight. Except the Soul Mate, of course. Give my phone to my friend to curb me from texting anyone dangerous. Leave the bar before closing and sleep in a room of girls.
DAY SIX
12:30 p.m.: Time to leave college. Realize my body and mind can no longer withstand this environment.
3:02 p.m.: Everyone is too hung-over to drive and I have to because it’s my car.
9:13 p.m.: Back in the city. This is exponentially warmer than upstate.
9:50 p.m.: Shower the disgusting weekend off. I can’t believe I have to go to work tomorrow.
10:41 p.m.: Laying in bed thinking about the Almost Relationship who actually does hate me. Masturbation? I think I’m overtouched for right now. No.
DAY SEVEN
8:04 a.m.: What up, BlackBerry alarm? This does not feel good.
9:17 a.m.: I have only been at work for seventeen minutes.
7:19 p.m.: Have to work late tonight. So Much Fun.
10:01 p.m.: Go to sleep, dreaming about this past weekend. I am on the fence about whether or not I miss the college life.
TOTALS: Two brief, unrequited acts of bar making-out; two extended acts of making out with friends; one act of masturbation to fantasy about previous non-relationship; one act of drunken silent intercourse with female friends in the same bed.
