Why Can’t These People Live in New York?

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Two news stories from this morning: In Oregon, a hero granny fought off an intruder in her home by squeezing him in the balls. He was naked, and therefore unusually susceptible to this method of defense. In Michigan, a man was sentenced to 90 days in jail after he was caught "performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum." If you are a regular Daily Intel reader, you'll know why we think every person in these stories belongs in our fair city.