Jesus Is Suffering

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When pictures surfaced of Lindsay Lohan showing off her scary-skinny frame in Hawaii, her mom offered a prescription: “Eat more McDonald’s." Would McD's be happy or sad about that endorsement, do you think? Anne Hathaway showed up to an event supporting Natalie Portman's new web venture, even though it's awkward because everyone thinks Natalie should have gotten Anne Hathaway’s role in the upcoming Judy Garland biopic. Renée Zellweger was serenaded by Harry Connick Jr. and dirty-danced upon by Jesus Luz at her 40th-birthday party, which was also attended by Hugh Grant, Bradley Cooper, Ron Howard, Jon Bon Jovi, Neil Patrick Harris, Tory Burch, and Jesus's best girl, Madonna. But though his personal life is going swell, Luz is having problems professionally. “None of the other models would talk to Jesus or even look at him" at the Jeffrey Fashion Cares event last week, a source tells the News. "They were gossiping like catty girls about how they couldn’t wait for his career to fizzle out.” Be Christlike, Jesus.

Lawrence Taylor, Tiki Barber, and their agent, Mark Lepselter, were hanging out at the Sunset Marquis with executives who want to make a movie like Biggie Smalls’s Notorious out of Taylor’s story. Former Giant Michael Strahan ate some meat at the meatpacking’s STK. Chris Jericho broke Mickey Rourke's hand when the two duked it out at WrestleMania in Texas. But at Andy Garcia's Tribeca Film Festival premiere, Rourke said he and Jericho went out for drinks after the fight and are "all good now." Tyra Banks is headed to court to testify against her Georgian stalker. Nick Cannon, David Duchovny, and Kyra Sedgwick all ended up on the same first-class flight from L.A. to New York. Fun! Julia Roberts dropped the F-bomb multiple times at a Film Society of Lincoln Center tribute to Tom Hanks.

Slumdog Millionaire co-stars Dev Patel and Freida Pinto were seen snuggling over lunch in Israel and are now officially an item. John Mayer insists he's single, but rumor has it he's been hooking up with Hawaiian Tropic Pageant runner-up Scheana Marie Jancan. Jessica Biel was ready to stop downing tequila at L.A.'s Thompson Hotel, but she had a few more shots when Justin Timberlake insisted. Jessica Alba celebrated her 28th with an eighties-themed bash.

Kristen Bell, who's mastered the voice of Gossip Girl, wants to finally get on-camera, but creator Josh Schwartz isn't going for it. Heidi Montag (now Pratt)'s wedding gift to her hubby was a serenade of her song, "Sex Ed." Zac Efron, Matthew Broderick, and Samantha Ronson are all rocking sideburns. Seventy-five-year-old Shirley Jones is going topless in an upcoming episode of A&E's The Cleaner.