Leviathan Leaves New York ... For Now

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Photo: Getty Images

Yesterday we were worried when a humpback whale swam into the Hudson river. Not because we were concerned it might be sick or confused, like the bleeding-heart liberals at the "Foundation for Marine Research and Preservation" and the "National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration" or whatever were, but because no one seemed to be asking the right questions. Like: What did this whale want? In a year in which birds have been proven to be organizing against us, you can't be too careful, and here this giant mammal swims into the Hudson and straight under the Verrazano bridge, and just starts pacing around, almost like it was casing the city. And what does our protectorate, the Coast Guard, do? They show up to make sure it's going to be okay.

Then they're like, "Hey look, a 30-ton whale, let's film it flipping around." Anyway, we were relieved to find out this morning that the whale eventually turned around and left without incident and of its own volition. "The experts decided to leave well enough alone, since the whale was doing the right thing," the Post observes. Damn right it was. And if that sucker comes back, we're going to take action. By which we mean: We're going to gather every fashion-industry person we know, go down to the harbor, and give that bastard a look that makes it feel so fat it will go straight back to the ocean and never set fin in New York City again.

Spoutta Here [NYP]