Oh No! They’re Considering Replacing Chris Meloni and Mariska Hargitay on SVU!

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Photo: Courtesy of NBC

JPRESS: OH NO

CHRISTAL: What?

CHRISTAL: Did your Visine trickle into your mouth again?

JPRESS: DICK WOLF IS PULLING A POWER PLAY.

CHRISTAL: Oh, that. I know! He can't get rid of Mariska Hargitay and Chris Meloni! Remember when Mariska was gone for a few episodes when she had that baby? It was unbearable in the interim! I almost switched to Conviction.

CHRISTAL: Though who knew they make $7 million a year?

JPRESS: I know, that was a startling revelation.

JPRESS: Not that they don't totally deserve it

JPRESS: This is not like AIG

JPRESS: We can't resent them for being rich and wanting more

JPRESS: Because they Do the Work

JPRESS: Christopher Meloni pours his soul into that role. It is giving him a permanent brow furrow.

CHRISTAL: The acting or the fake hair they spray on his scalp?

JPRESS: Don't hate, that's you in two years. They're worth the money, and they can't even consider replacing them. Give them whatever they want!

CHRISTAL: I know. There was an episode recently where they dealt with a child soldier from Africa ....

JPRESS: I'm already laughing.

CHRISTAL: And I kept thinking, "This is WAY above that dude's pay grade."

CHRISTAL: He got him to confess

CHRISTAL: By taking him to the interrogation room

CHRISTAL: And snuggling

JPRESS: Apparently Vincent D'Onofrio gets a percentage of the back-end profits, which is what they're asking for.

CHRISTAL: What?? Who even watches Criminal Intent?

CHRISTAL: Nobody, that's who

CHRISTAL: My eyeballs are allergic to the screen when it's on. Like with college basketball, and anything with Kevin James.

JPRESS: It is kind of samey every time

JPRESS: Nonetheless, D'Onofrio deserves whatever he makes

JPRESS: Because he has allowed himself to be consumed by the role

JPRESS: He IS Detective Robert Goren

CHRISTAL: Just because he's twitchy in real life, too, doesn't make it more watchable.

CHRISTAL: The thing about the Law & Order franchise is that it's like the only comfort we have nowadays. I need to know that there will be a one-hour, ludicrously predictable, systematic piece of emotional-blackmail entertainment during which I use zero percent of my mind space but also am unable to talk or listen, on my DVR at least once a week.

CHRISTAL: More, if I record it whenever it's on, but then it eats everything else that's recorded, ever. And I can't do that to the season finale of America's Most Smartest Model.

JPRESS: It is extremely soothing, for a show about especially heinous crimes.

JPRESS: Maybe if Dick Wolf won't give them what they need we should give them some of the TARP money. They're necessary to our survival!

CHRISTAL: Whatever, all I know is that if Meloni gets a raise, he has to do more of those sex scenes with his estranged wife where he wears skimpy underwear no straight cop would ever wear.