Using an extremely complicated process of Celebrity Weekly Triangulation, we’ve tried to piece together what’s happened so far in the surprisingly eventful breakup of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson (who knew these two had anything left up their sleeves that could interest us?). After a night of Twitter fighting in the Chateau Marmont on Friday, when Lindsay wasn’t allowed up to a Ronson family party, the couple spent the weekend arming themselves. On Monday, the actress released a statement that she was “taking a brief break so I can focus on myself.” Her family dutifully rallied around her, and she for once in her life decided to lie low. Likewise, Samantha Ronson’s family rallied around her, but instead of keeping quiet, they went to the police, begging for a restraining order against the starlet, claiming that she was following them around. (Police can’t issue restraining orders, unfortunately for the Ronsons. Only a judge can.) Sam’s mom, New York socialite Ann Dexter Jones, claimed at the station that Lindsay “was doing drugs” and “is a cutter!” Then, they all went home and changed the locks on their doors.
Did you follow all that? Good, because there will be a pop quiz later in the day.