Not only were five
adorable falcon chicks terrorists-in-training born on the spans of three key New York City bridges this spring, but in a chilling turn of events, they had human collaborators helping them set up these bird kamikaze camps. Human MTA employees have constructed falcon-friendly aeries in the spans of the Throg’s Neck, Verrazano, and Marine Parkway bridges, where the bird families have settled in quite nicely. Photo evidence even shows them allowing their human allies to pick them up and snuggle with be emotionally manipulated by them. According to the Daily News, at three weeks old, the chicks “already boast talons the size of an adult human hand and eat up to five meals a day.” Once they get strong enough to fly, they will be able to hit speeds of up to 200 mph and will eat small prey like pigeons, sparrows, errant gerbils, slow-moving squirrels, adorable seal puppies, Yorkshire terriers, and human infants.* If you want to watch these fuzzy little balls of yumminess doom, there’s actually a live baby-falcon cam broadcasting from another aerie at 55 Water Street in lower Manhattan. But be wary! Their cuteness could very easily suck you in, and the next thing you know, you could turn against your own kind.