Martha Stewart's very special New York episode starring Mayor Bloomberg has begun, and we're cringing so hard we're actually doubled over in front of the TV.
11 a.m.: Opening sequence: Martha and an unknown man are reading New York newspapers on the subway, but instead of the usual headlines about sex and animal attacks, or sexual animal attacks, the covers of both papers sport a big picture of Bloomberg, underneath the words "The Big Apple: It's a Good Thing!" "He stole that line from me, you know," she says coyly. The man puts down the paper and, shocker, IT'S MAYOR BLOOMBERG. He pulls iPod headphones out of his ears and the crowd goes wild.
11:02 a.m.: It's time for a montage! Taxis, the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty. Martha's New York looks so good! Then there she is, back in the studio, peeking out from behind a tall vase of tulips through a misty lens, exclaiming: "I just ran here from the subway, and guess who I brought with me?" she says. The crowd goes wild, for they are simpletons. As New Yorkers, we know she did not just run to the studio from the subway; it's way too far. And she's wearing a whole different outfit. What does she take us for, rubes?
11:03 a.m.: Oh God, there's a subway band in the house. They are called "The Ebony Hillbillies." Martha is wearing an I Love New York T-shirt. Also, there is a giant paper apple on the table.
11:04 a.m.: The dudes from the Calexico taco carts are there talking about tacos that we will now never be able to eat again because of the lines.
11:05 a.m.: Martha introduces the mayor and points out that he rides the subway to work every day. Another lie!
11:06 a.m.: They're talking about all of the wonderful attractions New York has to offer. Like Broadway. The mayor recently went to see Share the Plow, as he calls it. "It's a phenomenal movie." Oh, dear.
Then this happens:
Martha: "You know what happened to me on the Staten Island Ferry? I got engaged."
Bloomberg: "Mazel tov!"
Martha: "Well … "
Bloomberg: "I won't ask what happened after that."
Martha: "Well, that's history … "
Oh, that was awkward.
11:10 a.m.: Now they are making oatmeal-raisin cookies, which are Bloomberg's favorite. Martha tells him how important it is to pack the brown sugar. Bloomberg says the following words: "I have never had a bowl of dark brown sugar that I didn't pack. Not once."
11:14 a.m.: Martha tells the mayor of New York that he is holding the spoon wrong.
11:15 a.m.: "You might have to use your fingers."
11:16 a.m.: "No, not like that. Like this."
Martha: "So...baking is fun. You have a real nice kitchen at Gracie Mansion ... now, these are not to be overmixed. Look, he's trying to do it perfectly.
Bloomberg: "Well, this is a competition! Whose cookies are going to be better?"
11:22 a.m.: Martha: "Be careful grating the nutmeg. I don't want you to complain that you scraped your fingers."
11:23 a.m.: Bloomberg: "I cooked before I was mayor."
Bloomberg: "I mean, the Shake 'n Bake level. But cooking nonetheless."
Martha: "Do your daughters cook for you?"
Bloomberg: "No, but I'm going to ask."
Martha: "You should. You should go out to dinner, once a month ... " (Evidently, Martha thinks the mayor doesn't see his daughters enough. He protests.)
Bloomberg: "I'm going to see one tonight and talked to the other one half an hour ago."
(Martha wisely changes course and asks about the stadiums.)
11:24 a.m.: "Don't forget the raisins," Martha tells the mayor of the most important city in the world.
11:24 a.m.: The cookies are done somehow! "Tasty, tasty." They announce they will be donating them to homeless and old people. The end.