Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal got married this weekend at a hotel in Italy and because of what we can only assume is a systemic, across-the-board tabloid failure, no gossip magazines were there to document the occasion. OK! was not present to take pictures, and no helicopters hovered above the hotel in Italy where Brooklyn’s reigning Bobo celebrities exchanged vows. Thus, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to reimagine what the ceremony must have been like.
[Italy. The “magic hour,” as they say in the film biz. The bride is resplendent in a dress made by an indie designer no one has heard of. The groom has not shaved for the occasion. The couple is surrounded by their unfamous family and friends, although Maggie’s brother, Jake Gyllenhaal, and his celebrity girlfriend, Reese Witherspoon, who are standing by a cake reading “Forevaa” in fondant, lend a festive touch. Since Maggie and Peter are known intellectuals, they have of course written their own vows, which we have reproduced below. ]
Peter: Since we’re in Italy, I thought that I would write something that expresses how I feel on the occasion of our getting married after seven long years together — in the local language, which I’ve learned for this very special occasion.
Maggie: [Beams] Oh, honey, you’re so smart.
Peter: [Beams] No, you’re so smart. [Begins reading, in a high-pitched lilt] This is a moment of joy, and I want to kiss everybody, because you are the nature of the joy. And he who kisses the joy flies lives in a town with the sunrise, says the poet. And it is wonderful here.
Reese: [Whispering to Jake] Isn’t this Roberto Benigni’s 1999 Oscar speech?
Peter: I feel like diving into this ocean of generosity. I would like to be Jupiter and kidnap everybody and lie down in the firmament making love to everybody.
Reese: Also, he is speaking English.
Maggie: [Glares at Reese]
Peter: [Continues blissfully] “I would like to embrace the hailstorm of our kindness and our gratitude for you. And also I would like to thank Harvey Weinstein. [Applause as he turns around proudly]
Maggie: Dear Peter: I am so lucky to be marrying you. Underneath the sympathetic pregnancy weight you still haven’t lost and the Joaquin Phoenix–like beard, you are still the handsomest man I know, next to my own brother, and I’ve been told that neither you nor I are allowed to marry him, for different but equally unfair reasons. Now I would like to read a unique and powerful passage from my favorite book, by the poet Khalil Gibran.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
I just feel like that represents us, because I don’t eat bread, but you do.
Officiant: [Shakes head] And by the power vested in me, I name you Saarsgaal.
Reese: [Whispers] Thank God that’s over.
Peter: And now I’m going to play a song on my guitar that I wrote. It’s called Maggie May, because your name is Maggie, and this is the month of May.