After a three-month suspension from the U.S. swim team for getting photographed smoking marijuana, Michael Phelps officially returned to the pool today. And, can we just say, it's not a moment too soon. He's lost twenty pounds of muscle in the past two months! He couldn't even crack a walnut between those pecs now. (Luckily, though, you could still exfoliate your face with his abdominal terrain.) Phelps, for his part, says he didn't even realize his ban was over, but will compete next week in a meet in Charlotte, N.C., for the first time since he won eight gold medals at the Beijing Olympics and proved every other athlete in the world obsolete. (We wonder if other swimmers can hear him chuckling through the water as they inhale his wake of bubbles?) "I'm happy to be back in the water and be back in semi-shape," he said. "We'll see how it goes ... I'm happy to have some structure back in my life." No offense, Mikey, but screw your life. Get some structure back in those boobs.
Most Viewed Stories
America Has Never Been So Ripe for Tyranny
Trump Has Won and the Republican Party Is Broken
George Takei Calmly Dismantles All of Marvel’s Excuses for Its Doctor Strange Casting
All the Ways Game of Thrones’ Ramsay Bolton Is Way Worse in the Books
Elizabeth Warren Promises to Save Us All From Donald Trump
10 Strange Stories From Ron Miscavige’s Scientology Tell-all Ruthless
Meet Celina Midelfart, the Glamorous Norwegian Businesswoman Donald Trump Allegedly Dumped for Melania
While His Peers Took Chances, Drake Doubled Down on Drake
Hundreds of Frozen Foods at Costco, Walmart, and Trader Joe’s Recalled Over Listeria Fears
Jay Z’s Reportedly Responding to Lemonade With an Album, Because He Has Feelings, Too
Latest News from Daily IntelligencerTrump’s Theoretical, Rhetorical, Academic Problem With Talking About Abortion
The putative Republican nominee for president remains totally incoherent on abortion policy.North Carolina’s Anti-Transgender ‘Bathroom Bill’ Violates the Civil Rights Act, Justice Department Says
The Justice Department has determined that any employer who bans transgender employees from accessing their preferred bathroom is in violation of the Civil Rights Act.500-Euro Note to Be Phased Out, Limiting How Much Money Bad Guys Can Stuff Into a Suitcase
The European Central Bank is doing it to help fight terrorists, drug dealers, and money launderers.Hillary Clinton Wasted No Time Before Using Republicans’ Word Against Trump
Clinton's new ad features prominent Republicans describing their presumptive nominee as a "know-nothing" "con artist" who loves making fun of disabled people.How Do Republicans Protect Themselves From the Trump Fallout?
Spoiler: They can't.A Record-breaking Wildfire in Canada Forces an Entire Town to Evacuate
A blaze in Fort McMurray, in Alberta, is believe to be the largest in the province's history.Donald Trump Has Put the GOP in an Impossible Position on Merrick Garland
When it comes to defending Donald Trump’s “right” to appoint a Supreme Court justice next fall, Senate Republicans are damned if they do, damned if they don’t.John Kasich Is Finally Done Pretending He Could Be President
The Ohio governor, who still trails Marco Rubio in the delegate count, will suspend his delusional campaign for the GOP nomination this afternoon.Sheldon Silver Hoping to Serve His Time in a Cushy Prison
He was sentenced to 12 years in prison Tuesday.With the L Train Shutdown Looming, a Real-Estate Executive Is Still Trying to Make an East River ‘Urban Gondola’ Happen
He first proposed the idea in 2014.
She was visiting Central America and reportedly started developing symptoms of the virus.The Donald Says #NeverTrump Republicans Can Come Back ‘in 16 Years’
On Wednesday morning, Trump said Hillary Clinton "should suffer," Muslims are "destroying Europe," and his haters can re-join the GOP when he's no longer president ... in 16 years.Will It Ever Be Sunny Again in New York?
A wash of a week.Some Fear Massive Manhattan Church Fire Was Part of Coordinated Attack, But FDNY Says Candles May Be to Blame
The FDNY says the fire wasn't suspicious.Revisiting the Last Great Debate Over Skyscraper Shadows
Another tall building, another fight over a share of light.In the Battle at SeaWorld, the Whales Have Won
Score one for the cetaceans.In a Bid to Fight Street Harassment, Prospect Heights Construction Crews to Don Color-Coded Hard Hats
Problem solved!Fresh Intelligence: Cruz Bows Out, Sanders Stays In, and Trump Cleans Up
Our roundup of the stories, ideas, and memes you’ll be talking about today.Elizabeth Warren Promises to Save Us All From Donald Trump
"Donald Trump has built his campaign on racism, sexism, and xenophobia."Obama to Name Stonewall Inn First-Ever National Monument for Gay Rights
Just in time for Pride Month.