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heroes

Michael Phelps in Alleged Stripper Orgy!

Michael Phelps, like the True American Hero he is, can look through a roomful of strippers, point a couple out, and then immediately go have sex with them. That's what one such exotic dancer tells Britain's News of the World, at least. The tabloid spoke to Theresa White, a stripper from Baltimore, who says she dated Phelps for a while — though he would never go public with her. White says one night, after bringing a bunch of girls home from the strip joint, she had a three-hour sex romp with him and another young woman. "The sex lasted for about three hours," she said, even though it was the swimmer's first time with two girls at once. "Michael should get another Olympic gold for marathon love-making!"

Now, of course, there are some suspicious elements to this story. One, White is photographed topless to go along with it, which just makes us question the whole premise. And two, the News of the World was (as they always are) sloppy in their efforts to make her seem American — in the interview she says a girl is "called" Jen, rather than "named" Jen, and uses the term "love-making." But still, as jealous as we are (what we could do with those teeth! There are more than enough for the two of us!), we are glad that he's getting some crazy porn sex. What we didn't need to know, though, was that he, as White puts it, "cries a lot." "When he's been drinking that's usually when he starts crying," she said. No, no, no. The only time Michael Phelps has ever cried was that time when he realized, after winning his seventh gold medal in the 100-meter butterfly, that he would almost definitely score eight. We refuse to believe he's ever cried on another occasion, especially when he's drunk. Michael Phelps is one celebrity we simply cannot tolerate being "just like us!"

Star boasted of drug shame as he medalled with my bongs [News of the World -NSFW]

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Photo: Getty Images