More Proof That You Have to Leave New York City to Find a Boyfriend


It’s safe to say that things have worked out insanely well for Molly the Cow since her daring escape from a Queens slaughterhouse on Tuesday. Just a day after being taken in by an organic farm in Calveston, she has acquired a new boyfriend, a strapping steer named Wexley. Wexley has been neutered, but that’s okay, because word around the farm is that he’s good at Other Things, and anyway, Molly doesn’t need children in order to complete her. Plus, she’s going to be too busy, once she has the book deal and starts getting going on the lecture circuit, wherein she will fight for the rights of all of the cows back at the slaughterhouse who are currently traipsing toward their doom, singing a listless version of “It’s a Hard-Knock Life.”