Obama Bails Out ASU

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Appearing before thousands of hung-over, semi-conscious ASU graduates yesterday evening, President Obama began his commencement address by quickly taking care of the elephant in the room — the fact that the school, in its infinite wisdom, declined to grant a largely symbolic honorary degree to the Most Important Person in the World because his "body of work is yet to come." Obama joked that maybe he should have picked the Sun Devils in his NCAA bracket, but that the ASU board should expect an IRS audit soon anyway. After much uproarious laughter, Obama put on his serious face and turned ASU's snub into a life lesson. "I come to embrace the notion that I haven't done enough in my life," he said. "No matter how much you've done, or how successful you've been, there's always more to do, always more to learn, and always more to achieve." He then told the students that they can't "rest on their laurels" either — though really, that's all laurels are good for anyway.