Once a week, Daily Intel looks behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Accountant on One Last Spring Break: 25, male, Murray Hill, straight, single.
Midnight: Party in NYC with a few friends at a bar in Midtown West. I have to leave at 1:30 to catch the last train to Newark airport for a.m. flight. See potential with one girl. She says, “Facebook me.” Feel optimistic.
10:30 p.m.: Acapulco. Pregaming in hotel room with the boys. The trip consists of about ten of my guy friends, all of them in grad school or med school; I am the lone working man. I am already tired from a day of travel with no sleep.
12:30 a.m.: Get to huge, crazy club with awesome views of the ocean. Take too many shots, black out before 2 and wake up in my hotel room.
10 a.m.: Warm weather and dancing always makes me horny. Masturbate in the shower. Get a bathing suit on and hit the pool.
1 p.m.: Go to Wal-Mart for the essentials. Trying not to spend money on this trip, we buy fresh tortillas, fresh chips, five cans of refried beans, 4.75 liters of tequila, and twenty baby limes.
9 p.m.: Start pregaming for the night. My friends meet three girls in the elevator, they join for a while. Lots of tequila shots. Girls leave; they are taking it “easy” tonight. My friends decide they are lesbians. I am not completely convinced.
Midnight: After my premature blackout of the night before, I decide to go with some performance-enhancing drugs. Tonight’s will be coke and Adderall. Don’t usually go this way, but when in Rome …
1:30 a.m.: Arrive at the club. Take shots with some Harvard girls. I call a girl named Anabelle “Bella.” Turns out Harvard girls are too good for Twilight. I remember why I always liked hanging out with Northeastern girls when I lived in Boston.
2:30 a.m.: Get separated from my friends, meet another group of girls, take shots, move to the dance floor. Get bored; I don’t love dancing.
3:30 a.m.: Finally find my friends. The place is starting to empty; time to move on. Go back to the hotel. Fall asleep realizing my “game” is not suited for these large clubs … modifications will need to be made.
10 a.m.: Frustrated from missed opportunities and lack of success of the previous night, masturbate in the bathroom before anyone else wakes up. Get a bathing suit on and hit the pool.
Noon: Day spent reading and thinking. My last serious relationship was the last semester of my senior year in college, literally ending the day we graduated. I’ve dated over the last two years, but have been up-front that I am not looking for anything serious. In summary, I neither desire a relationship nor trust myself to be faithful to one person.
4 p.m.: Finish the only book I brought, Eclipse, the third of the Twilight series. Not sure what I will read for the rest of the week. My friend engages a group of girls from Missouri. They make fun of my reading material.
9 p.m.: Shots. The Lesbians join the pregame again. Blonde notices bad sunburn on my back and asks if I need aloe. I say yes and we go back to her room. Consider making a move, rethink.
11 p.m.: The performance-enhancing drugs of the night: Adderall and E.
1 a.m.: Immediately feel more at home at the club when rolling on E. Make out with a girl on the dance floor. I think I love her.
3 a.m.: Searching for the girl I “love.” Deep down I realize it’s just the E, but I don’t care. Make out with a different girl, it’s fun, but means nothing.
4 a.m.: Find the girl I “love,” she points to her “boyfriend” at the bar, I believe her and don’t press the issue. Get a drink and find my friends, head back to the hotel room. Though another unsuccessful night, more content this time.
1 p.m.: Wake up, masturbate; meet my friends poolside.
8 p.m.: Not quite drunk at dinner, the Lesbians wave me over to talk. I sit down, and quickly realize they are pretty drunk. The blonde comments on my sunburn (the reason I was called over), asks if I need more aloe vera. Girls are funny when they are being forward. The blonde and her friend bring me up to their room.
9 p.m.: I try to hide the fact that what is going on is completely ridiculous. After aloe is applied, all three of us lay in bed for a few minutes. Think about going for the threesome, wish I had a few more drinks and the confidence to make that move, but before I can think too long, blonde’s friend leaves awkwardly. I make a move on the blonde, successful.
9:30 p.m.: Sex with a stranger. It’s good, not great. But I’m hopeful that we’ll do it again tonight, and it will be better. Anxious to get a few more drinks in me.
1 a.m.: Get high with the blonde. No longer urge to fuck. Prefer to sleep. Wake up when her friends come back. They tell stories of going to a Mexican strip club with my friends, one of whom made out with a stripper. Some regret over the night out I missed. I decide to sleep in my hotel room instead of theirs.
8:30 a.m.: Wake up, thinking that the sex the night before should leave me less horny. It is not the case; masturbate before anyone else wakes up, read while waiting to get ready for the boat cruise.
11 a.m.: Immediately impressed with the boat cruise. Contemplate why girls on spring break are more attractive than the girls I see at the bars in NYC. Factors considered: age, sunglasses, regional differences, social differences (girls that go on spring breaks to Acapulco are more attractive).
1 p.m.: They announce that passengers are allowed to jump off. I am first one over the railing and a crowd forms around me. Get a little nervous in front of the crowd, but the adrenaline and the alcohol convince me to attempt a front flip. Fairly successful, but I kind of land on my face a little. My friends all soon jump and we proceed to climb up, jump again, and repeat for the next 30 minutes. I really like jumping off of things.
3 p.m.: Dance contest. Realize a general fact about spring-break competitions; if an attractive girl flashes, she wins. Wonder why all the Missouri girls have nipple rings.
10 p.m.: Confirm a place to stay on my last night with the Lesbians (I incorrectly booked my flight a day later than my friends and than we have a hotel room). They leave early; blonde asks if I want to go with her back to the hotel room. It’s a little early to call it a night, so I tell her I’ll meet her there later.
2 a.m.: Karaoke bar with Missouri girls. Conversation is showing these Missouri girls are in relationships, sober/tired, and overall kind of bored. Regret not leaving with the Lesbians.
2:30 a.m.: Knock on the Lesbians’ room door, no answer. Now really regret not leaving with the Lesbians. Go back to hotel room, masturbate, and sleep.
10 a.m.: Wake up horny, blame it on the warm weather, masturbate in the bathroom. Hit the pool, sleep poolside before anyone else wakes up.
4 p.m.: Take a banana-boat ride with the Lesbians. These girls are a lot of fun. Tell them to come out with us tonight, it’s all my friends’ last night in Acapulco and we are going big.
10 p.m.: Tequila shots are getting harder to take, but last day and still have about three liters of tequila left. I remind them once more I’ll be staying with them tomorrow.
1 a.m.: Take shots with the Missouri girls and move to the dance floor. Realize I took too many shots, black out.
3 a.m.: Regain consciousness, Missouri girls left, I knew they drank too much. Dance with randoms on the dance floor. See my friend that is rolling for the first time, he seems to be enjoying himself.
5 a.m.: Getting ready to leave, not as much fun as Monday, probably won’t roll again twice in the same week, or same month for that matter.
6 a.m.: Me and my good friend are not quite ready to call it a night, walk and find a cab to bring us to a “rub and tug.” The girls are nasty, we leave and tell the cab to try again.
7 a.m.: After a sketchy cab ride through Acapulco, arrive at a new place, three girls line up. Starting to realize this isn’t a rub and tug, but simply a whorehouse. Too late now to change our minds. All three girls are attractive. Give my friend first pick. Inside a bedroom. Quickly undress. Not quite hard yet. She puts a condom on with her mouth. Having trouble getting hard. Blame it on: alcohol, Adderall, E, and that I’m kind of sketched out (first time with prostitute). Take a second to calm down; the girl has an amazing ass. Start having sex, but interrupted by the knock on the door telling me time is up. Consider paying for more time, but not really that into it. Decide I’ll possibly consider the prostitution thing again if I ever go to Amsterdam.
8 a.m.: Get back to the hotel room, tell my friends the story. Fall asleep.
10 a.m.: I don’t feel like I slept at all. Pack up all my stuff in a daze, my friends get in a cab, I go to the Lesbians’ room, knock, no answer. Take stuff downstairs by the pool; sit down with all my stuff.
Noon: A group of older Hispanic women sit next to me. It turns out they are a women’s volleyball team on their way to play a match in Mexico City. One of them is attractive, reminds me of the prostitute I fucked in the morning.
6 p.m.: Dinner with the Lesbians. Starting to think they are both straight. Regret my quick judgment to label them Lesbians from the beginning. Really glad I met these girls. Plan to hang with them again when I visit L.A. in a month.
11 p.m.: Go to a bar that is close by, the crowd is mostly locals. The Lesbians get pulled onstage to dance because they are the only gringos in the bar.
1 a.m.: I catch the eye of a Cute Local at the table next to me; I use all the Spanish I know. Dance, and we start making out on the side of the dance floor. Try to determine how cute she is. Need better lighting.
3:30 a.m.: All four of us head to a strip club. The Cute Local puts her hand down my pants and I put mine down hers while we watch the show. Think about how things always seem to work out very well for me. Plan to cite this as an example in future.
4:30 a.m.: The Cute Local is getting impatient, wants to leave. After grabbing condoms from the Lesbians in their room, I take the Cute Local to her apartment. I fuck her from behind on the couch. After finishing I realize I’m exhausted, fall sleep naked the couch for a couple of hours before she wakes me for my flight. Kinda wish I had traveled with some friends. Last night’s stories are fresh in my mind and I have no outlet.
Totals: Seven sessions of masturbation; four acts of intercourse with three partners, one a Mexican prostitute; three dance-floor make-outs with three partners; two nights on E; one night on Coke; three Adderall pills; two aloe vera rubdowns.