Once a week, Daily Intel looks behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Car Salesman in a Relationship With an Older Woman: 32, male, Brooklyn Heights, straight, in a relationship.
8 a.m.: Woke up after trying to unsuccessfully wake up my girlfriend last night for sex at 1 a.m. She declined. We don’t mince words or make each other guess. We simply say, “Okay, I’d like to have sex now!” And sex ensues. Last night she fell asleep and I missed my chance. Morning wood goes away after I get up to go to the bathroom.
10 a.m.: At work. The receptionist looks hot today in heels and tight pants. I have imagined myself going down on her; she has this perfect little ass that twitches back and forth on the heels. But I am monogamous with my girlfriend, who’s almost a decade older than me. We’ve lived together for four years, and discussed marriage, but neither of us believes in it.
2 p.m.: Slow day. Nobody is visiting or buying. I browse CNNSI.com for pictures of sports cheerleaders in action. It’s the closest thing to porn since I’ve already seen the swimsuit issue.
3 p.m.: I receive an e-mail that the sex club my girlfriend and I had visited about a year ago in Brooklyn has closed down. Tragedy. We do not swing, but we are exhibitionists and voyeurs. I’ve had past girlfriends who are not as sexually open as she is, and that has stifled my excitement. I think about that night and consider jerking off at work in the bathroom, but decline my own invitation when a customer enters.
4 p.m.: Call girlfriend and tell her that I was horny last night. She tells me to act on that instinct sooner, preferably before 1 a.m.
7 p.m.: I call my girlfriend on the way home and tell her that I am horny.
8 p.m.: Get home and my girlfriend is waiting and we have sex in front of the bathroom mirror. She gets off quickly, I watch her in the mirror which makes me feel like a stud. We finish in the bed with lots of dirty talk. Fall asleep in front of the television without a round two of sex.
8 a.m.: Wake up feeling refreshed. Go to bathroom and it reminds me of last night. Morning wood goes away quickly today.
10 a.m.: Girl on the street gives me the eyes. I’m turned on, but head to work, which ends my turn-on.
2 p.m.: Call girlfriend and recount last night’s sex over the phone. I hope my co-workers don’t hear.
3 p.m.: “Open Your Heart to Me” by Madonna plays on the radio. I am immediately turned on, because the video to this song when I was a kid featured Madonna in a peep show wearing a bullet bra. Office is cold, and bathroom stinks, so thoughts of masturbating at work are fleeting.
10 a.m.: Wake up. I have the day off from work. Coffee with girlfriend. Jerk off to porn once she leaves for work.
11 a.m.: Price Is Right. Masturbate to porn after first showcase spin.
3 p.m.: Walk through neighborhood in Brooklyn where Orthodox Jewish school is getting out. Sight of long skirts and high socks represents a low point in sexual energy for the week so far.
11 p.m.: Fall asleep in front of television with girlfriend on couch. No sex.
10 a.m.: Woman stops by to look at a car. She is young, attractive, smart. Keeps showing cleavage. I act professional. She finally asks if we know each other. Then she mentions her boyfriend. I mention my girlfriend, but the flirtation continues. Sexually, I’m alive.
11 a.m.: At work. Get yelled at by 75-year-old lady on phone for twenty minutes. Sexually, I’m dead.
7 p.m.: Get home after work. Log on to porn site. Jerk off to two girls sharing a guy and yelling at each other to “get fucked.” Get tears in my eyes focusing on the screen just before I climax. This happens only with porn. Resist the urge to wipe my eyes afterward. I figure it has to be the attempt to focus my eyes on the screen and climax at the same time that makes my eyes tear up. I’m not crying. I’m definitely a little sad afterward, but I’m not crying.
9 p.m.: I am out in Greenwich Village. It is a warm night, and girls are everywhere and wearing very little. It’s actually a little overkill, but it is stimulating.
10 p.m.: My girlfriend gives a performance and talks about how she likes to be eaten out. The crowd roars. I promise myself to have sex with her later. I love this about her, that she can go out and be such a strong presence in the room and that turns me on. She has a lot of confidence and I like that. Weak women piss me off.
11 p.m.: We take a cab home and fall asleep after bagels. No sex.
8 a.m.: I wake up and my girlfriend asks if I was horny before I went to bed. I answer yes and ask why. She says I was talking in my sleep saying “I want to fuck her.” “I hope you were talking about me,” she says. I don’t remember.
11 a.m.: A gay man comes into the dealership. He tries flirting with me. I take him to see some cars. He doesn’t buy one, but doesn’t try flirting anymore. I get this a lot at my job. I sell a very trendy brand and it brings out the gays. But in NYC that’s normal.
1 p.m.: Federal prosecutor comes in to buy a car. She is older than me, but powerful women turn me on.
5 p.m.: Walk down West Side to Chelsea Piers. Women jogging along West Side are wearing only jog bras. I start to run, then sweat, then stop.
6 p.m.: Cocktails at my friends’ baby shower. Party is upstairs and I have a bird’s eye view of lots of cleavage in the restaurant below.
8 p.m.: Getting drunk on three beers talking to my friend’s sister-in-law who is flirting with me.
9 p.m.: Arrive home and order a burger. Vow to stay awake until my girlfriend gets home so we can have sex.
10:30 p.m.: Jerk off to free porno on Internet featuring two girls and a guy.
11 p.m.: Fall asleep.
2 a.m.: Girlfriend wakes me up with overtures of sex. I mumble and stumble to bed.
8 a.m.: Wake up. Girlfriend still sleeping.
11 a.m.: Wake up girlfriend and make eggs.
Noon: Sex with girlfriend is hot. She takes charge and gets off quickly. I finish from behind again with lots of nasty talk. HOT!
8 p.m.: Go to friend’s party. Other girl at party has hot tattoos that are a lot like my girlfriend’s. I am turned on just staring at them.
10 p.m.: Return home. Fall asleep in front of TV.
10 a.m.: Girls are wearing even less today. Sexual radar is on.
Noon: Call girlfriend and promise her sex tonight.
9 p.m.: I clip my nails in preparation for sex. Sex with girlfriend starts off slow with her complaining that my stubble hurts her.
10 p.m.: Sex with girlfriend starts in earnest. I go down on her, being careful to mind the stubble on her skin. She climaxes in about five minutes. We have sex on the couch and she climaxes again.
10:15 p.m.: Girlfriend complains that I am taking too long and she cannot climax anymore. I climax and collapse on top of her.
Midnight: Fall asleep.
TOTALS: Four acts of intercourse; one act of cunnilingus; two acts of sex rejection by partner; two acts of masturbation considered-and-derailed at work.