85-year-old Anthony Marshall fell off a treadmill and bruised his brain today, according to his wife, Charlene. “He actually has a concussion,” she told the Post tearfully. “It’s swollen.” Marshall will not be able to show up in court today, where he stands accused of defrauding his late mother, Brooke Astor, out of millions. It’s actually the second time he’s called in sick to the trial; there was a brief postponement two weeks ago while he recuperated from an undisclosed illness. Charlene Marshall told the tabloid today that he had actually suffered from a “small stroke.”
Meanwhile, we are totally going to start using creative nomenclature to describe our physical maladies from now on. Like when we’ve got hangover dry mouth, we’re going to say our “saliva is lonely.” Or if we have an open wound, we’ll say our “skin is winking.” Or when we get overheated, we’ll say our “armpits are crying.” This is what we do to make our lives interesting.