All Sean McGinn wanted was love, and Match.com seemed like a smart way to start. After all, all his platonic girlfriends always said he was so handsome, in a scruffy, Teddy Ruxpin kind of way. And he happened to know he was a maestro with witty e-mails! So why not give himself a boost? He hated meeting women in bars, anyway — it's so much easier to come off as cool and charming when you have an hour or so to work on a breezy note or text. So he carefully set up a profile, being sure to include all of the charming things about him. Let's see: "Last Reads" .... Eat, Pray, Love, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, Love in the Time of Cholera. "Likes" ... Leather jackets, the movie Cocktail, Caribbean steel-drum music, oh! And Lisa Kudrow in The Comeback! "Smoking?" ... No way! "Interests" .... NO DRAMA.
And then Sean McGinn waited.
Somehow, all the women he got in touch with on Match.com weren't getting back to him. He tried readjusting his profile ("Interests" ... Wine tasting! "Pets I Like" ... Lions! Ha ha! "Body Type" ...
Average Cuddly, but Toned! "Turn Offs" ... Skinny dipping. "Turn Ons" ... Thunderstorms), but to no avail. Finally he figured it out. After countless hours and fruitless searching, he realized the problem: None of the women he was contacting were real. They were simply people who used to be on the site, that Match.com kept around to make it seem like there were lots more people available! He had been sending hundreds of carefully crafted, artfully capitalized messages into space.
And then Sean McGinn got mad. Really mad. Like, thunderstorms mad, and not even in a good way. So he called his lawyer. He was going to sue! In a "class action" filing against the company, he demanded $5 million for the "humiliation and disappointment" that he (and, er, others) suffered at the hands of the website's "deceptive practices," which "willfully" cause "emotional harm" to the consumer and "social harm to society at large." YOU HEAR THAT, MATCH.COM? Social harm.
Then, after his lawyer drew up the papers and prepared them for filing, something amazing happened. Sean McGinn got a response. Someone wrote him back! And she didn't even smoke! Sean McGinn weighed his options. Should he drop the case? After all, in a way, Match.com did live up to its promises. As the two prepared for their first date, Sean McGinn looked in the mirror at his Clark Kent glasses and artfully disheveled hair (okay, bedhead). Then he decided to keep the lawsuit alive. Chicks always tended to like him more, he found, if they thought he was a millionaire.
DOT-COM HAS 'DATE' IN COURT [NYP]
*90 percent of this story was fictionally extrapolated using scientific computer analysis of Sean McGinn's Facebook picture.