Last week, the Internet was transfixed by a product called the ComfortWipe, an eighteen-inch plastic gripping tool that promised to be the long-awaited solution to those who could not, out of infirmity, obesity, or just plain disinclination, wipe their own asses using the time-tested method of hand and toilet paper. The satisfied ComfortWipe users in the commercial — a feisty blonde grandma with a New Jersey accent, a self-professed Big Guy, and others — were convincing in their ardor: This was a product the world wanted. Nay, needed. It was the first innovation in toilet-paper technology in 100 years! It was specially designed to "follow the contours of your body." It was like a Snuggie for the bathroom! We couldn't wait to order one, so that we could assign Tim Murphy the task of trying it out. But alas: "I'm sorry to tell you that the product has been discontinued," a spokeswoman for Telebrands, the New Jersey–based company informed us. What's worse, the ComfortWipe never even got a chance to be. The commercial was merely a test run to gauge interest in the product, and despite its cult success, the product "was never brought to market and it was never sold," said the spokeswoman. She added, somewhat matter-of-factly, "Telebrands tests hundreds of products every year, the majority of which fail." This gives us some small comfort. With that kind of track record, the perfect ass-wiper could still be on the horizon.
Most Viewed Stories
America Has Never Been So Ripe for Tyranny
Trump Has Won and the Republican Party Is Broken
George Takei Calmly Dismantles All of Marvel’s Excuses for Its Doctor Strange Casting
All the Ways Game of Thrones’ Ramsay Bolton Is Way Worse in the Books
ESPN’s Eight-Hour O.J. Documentary Is a Masterpiece
Elizabeth Warren Promises to Save Us All From Donald Trump
Is Chris Hemsworth’s Dad Hot? An Investigation
Trump Suggests That Ted Cruz’s Dad May Have Been Involved in the Kennedy Assassination
Meet the First Superstars of the Beyoncé Generation
Patton Oswalt Eulogizes His Wife, Michelle McNamara: ‘She’s Left a Blast Crater’
Latest News from Daily IntelligencerThe Donald Says #NeverTrump Republicans Can Come Back ‘in 16 Years’
On Wednesday morning, Trump said Hillary Clinton "should suffer," Muslims are "destroying Europe," and his haters can re-join the GOP when he's no longer president ... in 16 years.Will It Ever Be Sunny Again in New York?
A wash of a week.Some Fear Massive Manhattan Church Fire Was Part of Coordinated Attack, But FDNY Says Candles May Be to Blame
The FDNY says the fire wasn't suspicious.Revisiting the Last Great Debate Over Skyscraper Shadows
Another tall building, another fight over a share of light.In the Battle at SeaWorld, the Whales Have Won
Score one for the cetaceans.In a Bid to Fight Street Harassment, Prospect Heights Construction Crews to Don Colorful Hats
Problem solved!Fresh Intelligence: Cruz Bows Out, Sanders Stays In, and Trump Cleans Up
Our roundup of the stories, ideas, and memes you’ll be talking about today.Elizabeth Warren Promises to Save Us All From Donald Trump
"Donald Trump has built his campaign on racism, sexism, and xenophobia."Obama to Name Stonewall Inn First-Ever National Monument for Gay Rights
Just in time for Pride Month.Sanders’s Indiana Win Supports His Argument that Late Delegates Are More Important
It's a good way to keep the dream alive, but it's not necessarily a good prescription for party unity.
Not once, but twice.Bernie Sanders Wins Indiana, Rages Against the Dying of the Electoral Light
Liberal indies still aren’t ready for Clinton.Ted Cruz Folds His Tent — Until 2020
Even after his loss, Cruz will be well-positioned to thrive.Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders Win Indiana Primaries
Trump is now the presumptive Republican nominee.Behold the Nominee: Will the GOP Embrace Its Trump Nightmare or Walk Away?
First, we'll see if Republicans put up any further resistance to Trump, and then we'll find out how many just turn heel and run.After Losing in Indiana, Ted Cruz Drops Out of GOP Race
Cementing Donald Trump's status as the presumptive Republican nominee.Trump Has Won and the Republican Party Is Broken
The surreal has finally become real.Trump’s Firsts and Near-Firsts As a Major-Party Presidential Nominee
There are a number of unusual things about him that stand out among this elite group.A Body With ‘Cement Shoes’ Washed Up on Brooklyn’s Shore
The NYPD's chief of detectives says it's "obviously a homicide."Martin Shkreli Reportedly About to Face Even More Criminal Charges
He allegedly did a few more bad things at one of his old companies.