Daily Intel: What up, Paul-Money.
Paul-Money: Having kind of a crap day, finance-wise.
Daily Intel: Tell me about it. I took out money from the ATM this morning and didn't get a receipt because I didn't want to know.
Paul-Money: I lost £218 million, or approximately $355 million, after failing to close a short position in Barclays.
Daily Intel: Duuuuude.
Daily Intel: I'm so sorry. Are you totes broke?
Paul-Money: No, it's cool. I mean, it's more like I would have made £319 million, or $520 million, had I sold the stock at its January low. But instead, I only made £101 million, or $164 million.
Daily Intel: So wait, you made $164 million.
Daily Intel: ...
Daily Intel: Suuuucks. So, you want to do that thing where we fly to Paris and bribe the guards to let us snuggle the baby red pandas? That always makes you feel better.
Paul-Money: Yeah. Maybe we can get ice cream at Berthillion afterward?
Daily Intel: Totes.
Most Viewed Stories
See How Well the Cast of Wet Hot American Summer Has Aged
It’s Time to Start Liking Tom Cruise Again
Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale Are the Latest Celebrity Couple to Divorce Because Nothing Is Sacred
Amy Schumer Skips Gun-Control Pitch on The Daily Show, Focuses on Jennifer Lawrence
30-Foot-Tall Inflatable Minion Gets Loose, Rampages Irish Highway
Sean Penn and Charlize Theron Are Living Out Your Worst Breakup Fears
In Defense of Office Air-Conditioning
Hunter Rebecca Francis Has a Thing or Two to Teach Us About the Wild
As Promised, Donald Trump’s People Have Sued Chef José Andrés for $10 Million
And Now Here’s Ilana Glazer Lip-Syncing ‘Hey Ya’ on Lip Sync Battle