Great news! Actors Chris Meloni and Mariska Hargitay resolved their contract dispute with Dick Wolf, and will return to Law & Order: SVU for its eleventh (and potentially last) season. Joining them will be Stephanie March, who played A.D.A. Alex Cabot a few seasons back. Cabot returned to the show this past season, and will be a regular in the coming one. We are so happy about this. In fact, it means we’ll finally be able to submit the three-minute opening set-up scene we wrote for ourselves. We’ve always wanted to have cameos as the people who find the body/victim/foot in the beginning of an episode. What do you think?
[Scene: A generic office with gray cubicles, brightened only by giant foamboard magazine covers scattered around. It is early morning, before most of the workers will arrive, and only a handful of bloggers hunch over their computers. In the background, a tall, glamorous-looking girl is partially obscured by piles and piles of fashion magazines, and an intense, bearded young man types away furiously on a tiny laptop, surrounded by swag from restaurants and liquor companies. In the fore, a skinny, freckly white boy huddles with a pretty girl with pert bangs and a ruddy bob. The guy is played by Intel Chris, and the girl by Intel Jessica.]
Girl: So I’m thinking of having Everett Bogue Photoshop John Paulson’s head onto the naked body of Dancing With the Stars runner-up Gilles Marini.
Guy: Didn’t you do that yesterday? [He pours some tequila for himself]
Girl: Did I? Jesus, my mind isn’t working. I’m so hung-over.
Guy: Me too. My first post was about Pedro Espada and Hiram Monserrate being strange bedfellows, and I didn’t even make a joke about butt sex.
Girl: I would have gone with an under-the-sheet war of farts.
Guy: Here, have a shot of tequila, it’ll help your hangover.
He passes her the bottle of Patrón. They do a shot out of wax paper Dixie cups.
Girl: God, that was disgusting.
Guy: Let’s go get some gross office coffee.
They walk together to the office kitchen, because obviously they can’t perform any tasks independent of one another. After some fiddling with Keurig cups, the smell of hazelnut and tar fills the room.
Girl: I’m going to steal some of the food blog’s Half & Half. [Opens refrigerator]
Guy: They’re just going to yell at us again. Just like that time we accidentally ate their entire smoked pork butt.
Girl: [Pause] OMG!
Guy: What, did the culture bloggers accidentally leave that thing Terence Koh sent them in there?
Girl: [Silently gestures at the contents of the fridge]
Guy: [Slowly walks behind her and looks over her shoulder inside. Wedged into one of the drawers is a small boy, played by Intel Dan, who has shaved off his goatee for the role and looks 12. He is shivering, but still alive]
Girl: This is so getting blamed on the print side.