World champion mountain biker Missy Giove was in custody today after police busted her with 200 pounds of marijuana in her truck, and another 150 pounds and a million bucks, cash, at the upstate New York home of her buddy conspirator. Authorities got wise to the plan last weekend when they intercepted another woman driving the same truck in Illinois. They took the wheel, drove to New York, and busted Giove. After we read the story, we did a little research on the extreme cyclist, and we'd submit that authorities should have been on her case years ago — ever since David Browne’s New York Times Magazine article on her in 1996, which included the following clues:
Addictive Personality: "Most extreme athletes ply their trade for little money. The lure is the rush … "
Record of Criminal Behavior: "In 1993, while skateboarding off the back of a car, she was arrested and fined $45 — but not before she smacked the arresting officer with her skateboard."
Lack of Strong Role Models: "To most extreme athletes, the pomp and circumstance of the official sports world is utterly passe. ‘When they were growing up, the first President in history resigned, and baseball and basketball players were doing cocaine,’ an ESPN2 producer explained."
Suspicious Backstory: "She encountered aggressive biking for the first time during a summer job delivering 'Chinese food' in Manhattan." [Have you ever seen a white person, much less a white lady, delivering Chinese food on a bike? Also: "Chinese food" is a lame euphemism.]
Suspicious Behavior: She wore her "dead pet piranha and the ashes of her childhood dog in a sack around her neck during races" and "had road kill woven into her hair for a while." Said her friend: "If anyone else did that, they'd be considered a street person.” ["Dead piranha," however, is a great euphemism.]
Case Closed: "Yet at some point — 10 years down the line ... Missy will stop racing. At that time, she may finally devote herself to holistic medicine ... "
[Also, dudes, look at her.]