Once a week, Daily Intel looks behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Unemployed New Graduate With the Girlfriend From College; 22, male, Ewing-but-trying-to-get-to-Manhattan-imminently, straight, in a relationship.
9:30 a.m.: Wake up to my cell phone vibrating on the floor, it reminds me of my girlfriend’s bedroom at college. It’s her on the other end. She invites me over. We’re both trying to make it as freelancers, so we see each other almost every day.
11:30 a.m.: Arrive at girlfriend’s house. While giving her a hello hug, I get an awkward boner. We’ve been together for two years, so now she just laughs it off.
3 p.m.: We watch Giada make doughnuts on the Food Network. She tells the camera how she loves to pop them in her mouth. We both laugh out loud. I love that we have the same dirty sense of humor.
Midnight: Her parents finally go to bed. We’ve only been home from college for two weeks, and not having our own private place is already incredibly annoying. We snuggle on the couch and make out. It’s nice, but I wish we had a place to ourselves.
9:30 a.m.: Wake up and go for a long bike ride. When I hop in the shower, I notice some shrinkage. Note to self: Find a new form of exercise!
Noon: Consider masturbating, but realize that my whole family is downstairs and somebody could knock on my door at any minute. Living at home sucks! 3 p.m.: Girlfriend calls and asks me to come over. Masturbation problem solved.
Midnight: More snuggling on the couch. We are interrupted by my girlfriend’s sister coming home late. She plops on the couch and turns on the TV. Both of us are silently annoyed. We really wanted some alone time.
1:30 a.m.: Her parents still hold on to their traditional Filipino values, which means I’m not allowed to sleep at their house. Now I’m at home nursing a case of blue balls. What kind of porn am I in the mood for?
10 a.m.: Wake up with morning wood. It’s so hard to pee with an erection.
1 p.m.: I go shopping with my sister. While waiting for her to try on some clothes, one of the girls working there smiles at me. I’ve been in a loving relationship for over two years; I can’t even imagine cheating on her.
4 p.m.: Return home from shopping a little horny, but I know my girlfriend is busy. Thank God for Internet porn!
10:30 p.m.: I decide to turn in early after a busy work day, but not before masturbating. I don’t think I could fall asleep without doing it at least once before bed. When we were at college, I’d watch porn with my girlfriend. Now that we don’t have the privacy, I have to go solo.
8 a.m.: Wake up and decide to work out with dumbbells. No shrinkage this time; I think I’ll stick with it.
2 p.m.: My girlfriend calls and invites me over. We spend a good portion of the afternoon snuggling in her bed.
9 p.m.: At this point in the night, we used to have sex. Unfortunately, she had a series of painful UTIs a few months ago which has made all sexual activity incredibly painful for her. It’s frustrating, but I really love her and wouldn’t leave for such a shallow reason.
2 a.m.: Trying to fall asleep. Sometimes I think there is too much Internet porn to choose from. I always choose amateur stuff over the big productions because I find it easier to imagine myself in the situation.
9 a.m.: Wake up naked. One of the many benefits of not living in a dorm is the ability to be naked at any point in the day. I plod around freely in front of my window.
10:30 a.m.: With very little planned for the day, I realize it’s going to be one of those days where I sit at home browsing Xtube while masturbating repeatedly.
2 p.m.: After completing a short writing assignment, I masturbate for the third time in three hours. Chafing damage becomes a very real possibility.
11 p.m.: I retire for the night with a grand total of five orgasms, three short of my all-time record (set way back when I was 15).
7 a.m.: Wake up early to help my girlfriend prepare for her graduation party. It’s going to be a long day of shopping. [Sigh]
10:30 a.m.: My girlfriend decides to take a break from party shopping to go bra shopping. At first I’m excited, but when several employees are guarding the dressing rooms, a fashion show is out of the question. I nod my head, letting her know that I wanted it, too. Maybe next time.
2 p.m.: By the time we get back to her house, my girlfriend’s parents are home, which means no alone time. I’m so frustrated. Will this nightmare ever end?
Midnight: My girlfriend’s family goes to bed, and we are finally alone. I make a move, but she stops me because, in addition to the pain, she tells me that she forgot to take her birth control two days in a row. Even after she sees the doctor on Monday to get everything fixed, no sexual activity for at least two weeks. My nightmare continues.
9 a.m.: Wake up and get ready to take a shower. While waiting for the water to get warm, I notice some extra muscles in the mirror. I shamelessly flex for five minutes. The new workout routine is paying off.
11 a.m.: Nobody home, nothing to do. Internet porn, here I come!
4:30 p.m.: My girlfriend sends me a text telling me to come over. I’m usually too busy to drive over at this point in the day, but I’m interested in what she has planned.
7 p.m.: She made cake balls for her graduation party, the most deliciously homoerotic food known to man. She called me over because there is plenty left over for me to eat. Today is a good day.
1 a.m.: It’s time to leave my girlfriend’s. We can’t have sex, so she gives me a blow job in her living room instead. Someone could have come down at any moment; it was hot as hell! I offered to reciprocate, but even going down on her causes pain. She sees the doctor about it on Monday, hopefully they’ll be able to fix it so that our once-amazing sex life can resume.
TOTALS: Ten acts of masturbation to Internet porn; one act of fellatio; four acts of parents-are-nearby making out; one failed dressing-room-lingerie-fashion-show attempt.