Titan Capital founder Russell Abrams has been hit with a sexual-harassment claim by his former assistant, Danielle Pecile, who alleges he gave her a CD that contained pictures of him and his wife on their honeymoon to print out and that happened to include topless pictures of his wife sunbathing. In the complaint, Pecile alleges Abrams said, "You liked them, didn't you?" while giving her a "perverted smirk." She also has a codefendent, Cristina Culicea, another worker at the firm, who alleges Abrams made her print out pictures of him and his wife together in a bathtub. Abrams and his wife, Sandra, deny all of this and are now suing the pair for $1 million. Clearly, both sides are ready to fight this thing out with lawyers. No need. We at Intel have already looked at the information in the tabloids and can now provide a verdict: Everyone's guilty.
Danielle Pecile: By the way, the Post says casually, almost as an aside, Pecile and Abrams used to date. WHAT? Why is she working for her ex-boyfriend? This makes her look GUILTY.
Russell Abrams: Abrams claims he gave the CD of photos to Pecile to bring to the drugstore, not to print out herself. Even if this is true, first of all, of course, she's going to look at them. She's your ex-girlfriend. Second, dude: Haven't you seen One Hour Photo? Neither have we, but we did see the previews and know that the people who work at instant-photo places are creepy and the definitely keep dupes of all topless photos in a secret binder. At the very least, Russell is GUILTY of not thinking this shit through. Maybe keep your topless pictures on your home computer, guy. We would also like to add a second count and declare Abrams GUILTY of extreme corniness, for giving this as his favorite quote to Hedge Fund News: “Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when dawn is still dark.”
Sandra Abrams: GUILTY for not keeping track of her topless photos, for telling everyone that she is seven months pregnant, as if that matters, and for suing for "emotional distress."
Cristina Culicea: GUILTY for piggybacking on the lawsuit of someone who clearly has an agenda, instead of filing her own.
We rest our case.