‘I Know, I Know, You Went to Vassar’

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Of the many genres of other people's communication we find amusing to read — the Fuck You, I Quit letter, the Crap E-mail From a Dude, the Postcards From Yo Mamma, the Dirty Politician e-mails — there is one that has gone largely unheralded: the communication that occurs when someone in an office is bothered by something, usually a relatively minor thing, that then wears on the person day in and day out, building into a rage that eventually can be relieved only by penning an officewide e-mail telling everyone to just stop it. If you've ever worked in an office building, then you know what we're talking about.

These missives are usually about the state of the bathroom or the kitchen, and they go like this:


Everyone@office.com

Will you (and you know who you are) please stop putting half-used packets of Sweet 'n Low back in the kitchen drawer!!! Take what's left with you for next time, or throw it away. What's left in the packet spills all over the drawer bottom and creates a mess!!!

This morning, Buzzfeed printed a triumph of the genre, reportedly from the offices of Gourmet magazine.


Dear slobs,

Due to numerous complaints filed with human resources, interns are no longer allowed to wash the dishes you allow to pile up. Sorry for the inconvenience, but you are going to have to start cleaning up after yourself. I know, I know, you went to Vassar, you have a rich husband, you've never washed a dish in your life, etc. Please remember that times are tough, and until the economy turns around and we all get personal helper monkeys, we're going to have to make some sacrifices. So help control the cockroach problem and wash your dirty dishes. I promise, you'll survive. Have a glorious day!

Ah. You just know that felt good. Since, with the election of Obama, we've entered a new era of transparency in America, we would like to encourage office workers around New York to send their favorite inter-office e-mails to us as intel [at] nymag.com, and we'll print our favorites. And by the way, New York Magazine, whoever threw away or ate the cheese curds Copy Editor Megan brought back from Wisconsin had better sleep with one eye open. Girl is pissed off.