Rules for Working at Goldman Sachs

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"You're skeptical of the Treasury's decison to provide banks with a capital infusion!" "You just heard about Goldman's reationship with AIG!" "You're not buying their explanation!" Photo: Getty Images

Goldman Sachs executives have encouraged employees to tone down their behavior in order to avoid public scrutiny, this morning's Wall Street Journal informed us:

When the company repaid its $10 billion in TARP last month, Goldman President Gary Cohn left a companywide voicemail message reminding employees to keep their focus and not to change what they were doing. Other Goldman officials warned junior employees not to go out to bars near the office and pay with a corporate credit card, according to a person familiar with the matter.

Through our sources,* Daily Intel has obtained portions of a memo that went out to employees earlier this month.

Try not to be seen smiling. These are grim times and just because you'll probably be making $700,000 this year at bare minimum, at least 10% percent of the country is jobless and thinks it's your fault. When you're walking around, try to affect an expression that suggests you're one of Them instead of one of You. If you have a hard time getting into character, the company has engaged an acting coach, James Lipton, who will teach the Stanislavski Method in the west boardroom during lunch.
Try not to be seen holding bills over the denomination of $20.
Whenever possible, we'd like you to pay for goods outside the building in change. We've set up a stand in the lobby to convert your bills to coin.
• Careful! The "Ginger Ale" in the soda area is actually Cristal. (We switched the labels to look less conspicuous.)
• Consumption of luxury food items should be confined to the Luxury Foods Suite.
Don't take car service. If you need to get around, the company has hired an armless taxi driver who will take you anywhere you need to go. He's a bit slippery behind the wheel, but we're offering whomever is photographed using him a $100,000 one-time bonus payment. American taxpayers can't fault you for wanting to help out the armless.
• A representative from UnderCharms, the leading manufacturer of golden underwear, will be visiting the office this week to sell their product, "The Luxury Only You Know About." We suggest you invest in a pair. Not only is gold a solid investment in this economy, but you should be able to hang on to it even in the event you're attacked by an angry mob.

Here's to hoping that won't happen!

Cheers,

Gary

Big Pay Packages Return to Wall Street [WSJ]

*In our imagination