Once a week, Daily Intel looks behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Gay Commodities Trader; 28, male, Tribeca, single.
5:45 a.m.: Wake up hung-over with a friend next to me — both naked. He’s the fourth friend I’ve hooked up with. Sunday Fundays have got to stop.
6:30 a.m.: Nudge him and we fuck again. We’re really loud. I know my roommate’s pissed.
7:15 a.m.: See cute gay couple on train. I’m insanely jealous. I came out two years ago and still haven’t found a boyfriend.
2:30 p.m.: Set up a date with Nice Guy. He’s cute and successful, but not for me. I string him along because I like the attention and gifts, and fear nobody else will like me the way he does.
10:30 p.m.: Start jerking off to porn.
3:30 a.m.: Wake up with porn on my laptop and cock in hand. I guess I was really tired.
12:30 p.m.: Nice Guy meets me for lunch. He gives me another gift from Hermès and tells me how happy I make him. My guilt eats away at me.
2:30 p.m.: Get a dirty-joke text from a friend I’m secretly in love with.
3 p.m.: Go to the restroom and take a picture of my cock and send to him as a “joke.” We have a frat-boy-like dynamic. Sigh.
3:45 p.m.: One of the directors chews me out for something stupid. All I can think about is how he responded to a Craiglist ad I posted for sex. “Piggish Power Bottom” is married with two kids. So sad.
8 p.m.: Meet my friend for drinks. I know he likes me, too, but something’s holding him back. I have a hard-on the entire time at the bar.
10 p.m.: Walk my friend home. I’m extremely horny and can’t stop thinking about him. I get lost in fantasy and walk into a tree. He leaves, nothing happens.
11 p.m.: Masturbate to porn. I’ve been really into straight porn lately.
7:15 a.m.: See cute, gay couple on train again. Still jealous.
3:30 p.m.: Daydream about sex and married life with my friend. We’ll adopt four kids and move to the UWS.
8 p.m.: Hot guy at the gym keeps staring at me. Stop doing sit-ups because I get a raging hard-on.
8:30 p.m.: Follow him into the steam room. He starts rubbing my cock but I stop him. Too many people in the locker room.
11:30 p.m.: Jerk off thinking about my friend. I scream when I finish, then have to clean off my face and headboard.
10:30 a.m.: Coffee with the office fag hag. She desperately wants to be my friend but I find her annoying. She wants to set me up with one of her friends. I ask for his name and tell her I’ll think about it.
11:45 a.m.: I search fag hag’s friend on Facebook and find his open profile. He’s cute. He has a photo album dedicated to him in drag as Lady Gaga. Not my type.
7:30 p.m.: Get ready for dinner with Nice Guy. Manscaping goes too far and I shave everything off.
8:30 p.m.: Dinner with Nice Guy is great. He holds my hand the entire time and makes me laugh. What’s wrong with me? He’s a great guy. He deserves to be treated better by me.
10:45 p.m.: Nice Guy drops me off. I wait until his cab pulls away and hail a cab of my own. Meet some friends in Chelsea.
2:30 a.m.: Bring a home a cute Columbia student and fuck. Takes me a while to get off. Too much vodka and blow. When did I become such a stereotypical New York gay?
7:30 a.m.: Tell Columbia boy to go home. Another work day with a hangover. FML.
7 p.m.: Head home in desperate need of a nap. Try to jerk off beforehand.
10 p.m.: Wake up in front of porn on laptop. Again.
11 p.m.: Meet my friend at a club. I’m excited and giddy to see him again.
12:30 a.m.: A guy starts flirting with him and touches him. I’m enraged.
12:45 a.m.: Friend goes to the restroom and I confront the flirter. Words are exchanged. Bouncers grab me and kick me out. Friend runs out and I make up some story about the flirter starting shit with me and start to cry. He believes me and we go home.
1:15 a.m.: Friend and I fall asleep in my bed and he holds me tight. Success.
11 a.m.: Friend wakes me up and laughs about the night before. We both have morning wood.
11:15 a.m.: He pretends to fall back asleep and begins to rub against me. I take off our clothes and try to jerk him off but he won’t let me touch him.
11:30 a.m.: We jerk ourselves off and come at the same time. Not as romantic as I’ve extensively imagined my first experience with him would be, but I’ll take it.
6 p.m.: I’ve been lazy all day and can’t stop thinking about this morning. I jerk off again.
10 p.m.: Log on to gay.com and chat with a few guys. Nobody interesting, so I go to bed.
11 a.m.: Meet Nice Guy for brunch. He hands me more goodies. 12:45 p.m.: Take him home and let him blow me. I tell him I have a lot of work to finish up and he leaves.
1:25 p.m.: Make dinner plans with my friend. Maybe we can stop being friends and start dating?
1:40 p.m.: Nice Guy texts me and says he can’t wait to see me again.
1:45 p.m.: Realize I’m single because of bad karma.
TOTALS: Five acts of masturbation; two acts of intercourse, one with a friend, one with a Columbia student; three days with wealthy adoring suitor; one incident of sexual contact in a locker room; one act of mutual masturbation with friend crush.