America’s Penises Are in Danger

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One of the assailants, looking not that remorseful. Photo: Courtesy Calumet County Sheriff's Office

Not long after a Queens woman poured boiling-hot water on her husband's crotch, the act of taking revenge on philandering men via their penises is catching on nationwide. Last Thursday, a Wisconsin man was lured to a hotel for some kinky sex with one of his mistresses. Once he was bound and blindfolded, the woman, along with her sister, another lover, and the man's wife, superglued his member to his abdomen and then stole his wallet, car, and phone, because why not. That makes two such incidents in just a week, and we hope that this is simply a hot retro trend that will soon go the way of Beanie Babies and pogs and will never be heard from again. Because the penis is not at fault, ladies. It's just taking orders from the higher-ups. It's like when you watch a war movie, like Gettysburg or Braveheart, and you feel bad for all those horses that get killed just because some soldiers decided to ride them into battle. Those horses neither understood nor cared about the motivations of their human masters. They were just being horses, galloping where they were told.

4 Wis. women accused in lovers' quadrangle plot [AP via Google]