Joe the Plumber’s Stand-up Routine, Revealed!

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We've long believed that Joe the Plumber's unending antics were already some sort of ill-conceived shtick, but apparently he's only now intentionally trying to be funny. Politico reports that Mr. Plumber will compete in the sixteenth annual "Funniest Celebrity in Washington" contest taking place this September. But why wait until September when you can see the whole routine right now? Just hop into our Daily Intel time machine! [Time machine powering-up noises] [Flash of bright, blinding light]

Joe the Plumber: Hey, how's everyone doing tonight. Great crowd tonight, great crowd. Please, enough applause, you know how that makes me horny. Heh, seriously, cut it out. [The applause dies down as the outline of a boner becomes evident]

Man, have you heard about these health-care town halls? Rowdy stuff. The Democrats are running away from their constituents faster than I run away from a queer! Seriously though, does the health-care plan cover cootie shots? Because sometimes you can't help but inadvertently touch a gay, like in a crowded mall or restaurant, or more likely a playground because they're trying to have sex with my son.

[A solitary cough rings out in the silence]

Man, this place is more dead than one of my book signings!

[One guy chuckles]

There we go — thanks, buddy. I would tell you to spread the laughs around, but I'm not a socialist like our Kenyan-born, Constitution-raping fraud of a president.

[Smattering of boos]

Whoa, I haven't seen this many upset liberals since the last terrorist plot was foiled. Man, I could really use a death panel right about now.

["Get off the stage!"]

Thanks everybody, you've been great! Vote for Joe!

[More boos]

Joe the Plumber ... now the Comedian? [Politico]