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There’s Something Very Fishy About Lindsay Lohan’s Home Burglary

Chris Brown has been sentenced: He can have no contact with Rihanna for five years, and he must complete 180 days of community labor and a 52-week domestic-violence program. It turns out Brown was also involved in at least two previous violent acts, including pushing Rihanna into a wall and pulling off the road to punch through his own car windows. Meanwhile, Brown is known to drive through Los Angeles with his windows down, loudly playing his own songs. Among the items stolen from Lindsay Lohan's house were "incriminating photos and videos" that could potentially "cause embarrassment if made public." On her Twitter account, Lohan says the incident "was not a ROBBERY," citing that the only items missing were "things that a certain old friend knew meant a lot to me," although doors were unhinged and a safe was ripped out of the wall.

Viral-video veteran Megan Fox is scheduled to host SNL's season-opener, which will include a digital short made with Andy Samberg. John Mayer and Taylor Swift might record music together, but they may not. Either way, Mayer used the phrase "Soon the world shall know of our musical intertwining" on his Twitter. While in town for her Circus tour, Britney Spears was spotted shopping not with her manager but with her personal manager. Anna Wintour requested a more private table at Chat Noir on the Upper East Side, where she ordered a horrible-sounding salad. Arriving at a concert in Poland, Madonna had a military escort. Socialite, model, and heiress Amanda Hearst is now dating Alejandro Santo Domingo, whose father is one of Colombia's richest men. Twice sued by former lovers, Martina Navratilova has a new girlfriend, onetime Miss USSR winner Julia Lemigova. Fellow tennis star Andy Murray likes New York okay, but isn't crazy about it.

Three new guys will play sexy young vampires in the coming months, including Boone from Lost. They should take note: Kristen Stewart says acting in Twilight "literally kills you." Paula Abdul's next gig will be as the host of VH1 Divas. Blogger Rosemary Port is not sorry she called model Liskula Cohen a skank and a ho. Clair Huxtable lost 35 pounds on Jenny Craig, while Lily Allen wants to marry rich and be a "suburban mum." She says the idea that she's for "female empowerment" is "not true."

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