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ballsy crimes

It’s Time to Play ‘What Crazy Junk Is Bernie Kerik Up To in Prison?’

Wait, wait. Don't tell us he shaved his mustache. Because that would be unthinkable.

Bernard Kerik, the former NYPD commissioner who was briefly nominated to be Bush's director of Homeland Security (and who, by any standard measure, we should have stopped hearing about years ago), is acting a little crazy in prison. We don't know exactly what he's been doing, but WNBC.com reports that jail psychiatrists are concerned enough that they sent a memo to the federal judge in his current corruption trial, and a hearing will be held about it on Monday. "There were things unexplained described to me that were either said or done that raised a level of concern for them," said the judge, Stephen Robinson.

Okay, here's a question.

What on earth could Bernie be up to? He's in isolation, because it's not always the safest thing to throw a former top cop into a room full of people he helped put in jail. So, he couldn't be hurting people, or even just frotting them. And anyway, what on earth could you possibly do in jail that could be considered bizarre? Literally, it hurts our minds to try to imagine one thing that would make a prison guard go, "Whoa, now that is weird." Think about it: crying? Not weird. Clawing at the walls? Perfectly understandable. Incessantly masturbating? Practically necessary! Talking to his boots? Dude's alone all the time, and his belt has become such a frosty bitch lately.

So let's play a game. What in the world is Bernie Kerik doing in prison that is so out of the ordinary for him that his shrinks are concerned? Here are our guesses:

1. Slowly unthreading his clothes and building tiny nests on his windowsill. For fairies.
2. Saving up his poops. To make into a hat. For his imaginary friend Dennis.
3. Spending some time on self-reflection.

Now you go!

Kerik's Prison Behavior Has Shrinks Concerned [WNBC]

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Photo: Getty Images