Martha Stewart’s Idea of Perfect Happiness


What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A verdant landscape filled with beautiful animals of all kinds, harp music, cumulus clouds in a bright-blue sky, and happy people conversing pleasantly, sipping cold sake from homemade bamboo cups. —Martha Stewart, Vanity Fair, November 2009

The sake is not really that cold. It’s more like cool, or even room temperature, I think. Here, taste it. Does that taste cold to you? Oh, Jesus Christ! Well, there goes that pair of pants. Who made these bamboo cups? Because the thing just fell apart right in my hand. Did you use the Chimonobambusa marmorea variegate like I asked? Or did you use the Chinese Goddess? Well, there you go. What? I’m sorry, I can’t quite hear you over the harp music. Say again? Jesus Christ. Okay, can someone get the harpist to stop for a second? Now what? What is so important that you’re going to ruin my Day of Perfect Happiness with it? Well. Well, that’s pretty sad. I’m sorry that Francesca and Sharkey ripped your pet bunny to pieces and splattered rabbit gore over my otherwise verdant lawn. How did that happen? Hmmm. Well, to be honest, you probably should have been watching him more closely. I know this is supposed to be a perfect day, but animals are animals and you should have been more vigilant. You know what? You should just get a new rabbit. And is there any pelt left? If there is, I can show you how to cure it and make a tea cozy. A tea cozy. What the fuck is wrong with you? How can you not know what that is? They’re wonderful; you put them on your teapot to keep your tea the right temperature. Drinks should always be the exact right temperature. Unlike this sake, which is really now around borderline warm. Wait. What is that? Is that a fucking cirrus cloud? I wanted cumulus clouds. This day is ruined.”