Name: Artie Lange
Age: 42
Neighborhood: Hoboken
Occupation: Comedian and co-host of the Howard Stern Show on Sirius XM Satellite Radio. He’ll be performing tonight at the Beacon Theater as part of the New York Comedy Festival.
Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?
Howard Stern.
What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in New York?
Roy White knishes.
In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
Read the “Sports” section and ask strippers if they can burp a Led Zeppelin song.
Would you still live here on a $35,000 salary?
Yeah, if I could get cable in the Port Authority bathroom.
What’s the last thing you saw on Broadway?
A homeless person throwing up.
Do you give money to panhandlers?
Only if I am positive they will use it for drugs.
What’s your drink?
Smartwater with extra electrolytes.
How often do you prepare your own meals?
No.
What’s your favorite medication?
Aloe vera.
What’s hanging above your sofa?
A Hirschfeld lithograph of Abbey Road.
How much is too much to spend on a haircut?
$18.50.
When’s bedtime?
When Howard and Robin start talking about American Idol.
Which do you prefer, the old Times Square or the new Times Square?
The old Times Square, because you can’t buy angel dust from a homeless midget outside The Lion King.
What do you think of Donald Trump?
I like him, but he owes me $42k from the last time I was at the Taj.
What do you hate most about living in New York?
The fact that I don’t.
Who is your mortal enemy?
Anyone with abs.
When’s the last time you drove a car?
The bumper cars at the Seaside boardwalk.
How has the Wall Street crash affected you?
Well, it’s back to domestic wines.
Times, Post, or Daily News?
Post.
Where do you go to be alone?
A tanning salon in Harlem.
What makes someone a New Yorker?
They live in New York.
