Carrie Prejean Might Have Seven Other Sex Tapes

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Beauty is on the inside.
Beauty is on the inside. Photo: Getty Images

Ah, Carrie, Carrie, Carrie. Don't you see that we'll all leave you alone forever when you stop positioning yourself as a champion of good old-fashioned Christian values and a martyr for the right and just embrace your true human nature as somebody who likes to show off your pretty body to boys to whom you are unmarried?

Granted, you'll have to switch careers, but if the news today that seven other tapes of you touching yourself (in addition to the one you admitted to) and 30 other nude photos (in addition to the ones where the "wind" "blew" your top off) is true, your god-given talents lie not in public speaking/martyrdom but in a profession/hobby even older than that: "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." Did you know that the Bible doesn't say anything about gay marriage, but it totally says something that has been interpreted for centuries to be anti-masturbation? And don't even get us into all the stuff about the stoning of harlots or whatevs -- not that all that's not stupid too, but hey, it's your book. It's time for somebody, maybe one of your "gay friends" (hee!), to get all Oprah on your ass. Think about it: American popular culture loves a redemption story. Just change your official stance on marriage rights and, why, you'll be embraced as one who has come over from the dark side! You'll probably even get a cameo on Glee! This is really your only option now, because while we're sure we could look on Facebook and find a few willfully ignorant old Pentacostal summer camp pals who still stand by you on flimsy "violation of privacy" grounds, for the most part, dear, it's time to surrender your crown as national joke and give some other young lady a chance. No offense!
Former Miss California Carrie Prejean Made 7 Other Sex Tapes, Dozens of Nude Pics - Report [NY Daily News]