If We Were Friends With John Paulson, Part VIII


The conversation we might have had with rock-star hedge-funder John Paulson over Instant Messenger today, if we were like, bros.

Paul-Money: Yo.

Daily Intel: Hey PaulDiggity

Paul-Money: Whassssup

Daily Intel: I was just IMing with this friend of mine (you don't know her, she's poor) and she was like, "I'd hate to be one of those people people say has failed upward."

Daily Intel: And at first I agreed, because it's true, that is a horrible thing to have people say about you.

Daily Intel: But then I was like, well, I would probably prefer to be described as failing upward than just failing. Esp *In this economy*

Daily Intel: Because at least then you have gotten upward in some manner.

Paul-Money: Hmmm.

Paul-Money: I guess.

Paul-Money: But personally I think the best-case scenario is to just bide your time, and then succeed spectacularly, beyond people's wildest imaginings

Paul-Money: you know, just like come out of nowhere obscurity like a ninja and be like, I am throwing steel stars at your head, Royal Bank of Scotland! How do you like me now!??!

Paul-Money: That is how you do it. Ka-ching!

Daily Intel: Word.

Daily Intel: So what are you up to?

Paul-Money: Well, yesterday I bought almost 14.8 million shares of Cadbury.

Daily Intel: The candy company? I like those eggs they make at Easter, although they make the back of your throat burn in a weird way.

Daily Intel: How much did that cost you?

Paul-Money: Around $187 million. 759.59 pence a share

Daily Intel: Dude, why can't you just say $7.59 pounds, or $12.20?

Paul-Money: I shun the dollar.

Daily Intel: Whatevs. But wait: Didn't Kraft just make a bid for Cadbury for just 745 pence a share? Couldn't you lose money if they accept something lower?!!?

Paul-Money: They won't. Cadbury called bullshit. Kraft will up their offer.

Daily Intel: How do you know?!?!?!

Paul-Money: Well, the other night I got super-baked and read this post on highDEAS. We were totally out of Halloween candy and I was so pissed

Paul-Money: And then I had a revelation.

Paul-Money: I was like, Kraft needs Cadbury. Chocolate is, like, totally essential.

Daily Intel: Wait. You read highDEAS for stock tips?

Paul-Money: DUH OF COURSE. Everyone does.

Daily Intel: Dude you should totally invest in Cool Whip. That stuff will be huge when people recognize "whipped" as a new state of matter.