What, you didn’t know that Tiger Woods — according to Fox News, the most famous athlete in the world (sorry, Becks) — was in an extremely mysterious car crash early Friday morning? To catch you up, here’s what we know, in 50 words or fewer: Woods crashes SUV into fire hydrant, tree in middle of night. Neighbor calls 911. Rear windows of car have been smashed. Wife Elin says she smashed them with golf clubs to free trapped Woods, who was in and out of consciousness, eventually hospitalized. No booze involved. (Elin very pretty.)
It wasn’t long after this happened that theories began cropping up over why this happened. There’d been a National Enquirer report claiming that a New York club promoter, Rachel Uchitel, was boasting to friends that she’d bedded Woods. Many people (including, if you’re like us, your more Bud Light–inspired relatives) assumed that this was a case of domestic violence, sparked by a fight over the report. TMZ.com, which obtained photos of the crash and has been following the story closely, has championed this account. Our favorite part of their reporting was when a “friend” told the website that Tiger on Friday said he had “to run to Zales to get a ‘Kobe Special.’” Yeah, like Tiger Woods has ever pronounced the word Zales. Anyway, after nearly three days (and two incidences of refusing to speak to cops), Woods released this fishy statement:
“As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore. This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again. This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible. The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false. This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.”
Of course, any publicist worth a grain of salt would know that to diffuse the public madness over this matter, the Woodses need to at least provide a simple explanation of what happened — people legendary for their coordination and precision don’t normally just drive into trees across the street from their house. Seriously! You can do it in 50 words or fewer! Things like “This situation is my fault” and “I’m not perfect” don’t make it seem any less bizarre and murky. Now talking heads on pretty much every media outlet are saying things like, “TIGER NEEDS TO ANSWER SOME SERIOUS QUESTIONS!”
Except he doesn’t. The famously reclusive athlete and his wife have no obligation to speak with police unless charged with something, even if Elin did tell her side of the story two slightly different ways (in one version she drove a golf cart to the accident, in another, she ran).
Anyway, in the vacuum of any real information, and in the presence of several bottles of Bud Light (did you know they have a wheat beer now? Very Thanksgivingy!), the angry-spurned-wife story line seems awfully compelling. (Even more compelling if you are a lady in the presence of several boxes of Pinot Grigio — which is less Thanksgivingy and more, well, White Christmasy.) But we have an alternate theory, which we believe is much more plausible:
In a tryptophan-induced haze, internationally renowned golfer Tiger Woods gets in his car to run out and find the one convenience store in Orlando open at two in the morning, perhaps because he’s just heard about this amazing new thing: Budweiser Golden Wheat. On the way out the driveway, he turns on the radio and discovers that even though Thanksgiving’s body is only hours cold, D.J.’s have started playing Christmas songs. He leans over to turn up the new remix of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” Losing control of the car, he careens across the road and crashes.
Hearing the crash, Woods’ wife Elin speeds across the street in her personalized golf cart, which — like a Flintstones car — is actually hollow on the bottom so that you power it by running. Tiger has already crawled out of the car, which is still blaring “Oh, all the lights are shining, so brightly everywhere, and the sound of children’s laughter fills the air!” After making sure Woods is okay, Elin begins instinctively battering the car with a golf club to get it to shut up (it’s at the dance-beat part now) because that’s how she gets her $2,000 Smash Clock Alarm to stop ringing in the morning. The reason a neighbor called 911 before she did is because there’s no phone in her golf cart because obviously it’s a replica from the Stone Age, before they even had car phones.
It’s all so simple, really.
*This post was brought to you by Budweiser Golden Wheat. Please drink responsibly. And if you drive, only use Elin Nordegrin’s golf cart.