Three Jokes Told by Bruce Springsteen

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Photo: Patrick McMullan

In honor of the New York Comedy Festival, Bruce Springsteen prefaced each of the three songs he performed at last night's Stand Up for Heroes benefit for the Bob Woodruff Foundation with a joke. Reporter Catherine Coreno laughed, then wrote them down. Now you can repeat them to your friends, with the preface: "Bruce told me this funny joke ... "

• "I picked up the newspaper today, and Pepsi has created a soft drink that has Viagra in it. For us old guys, that's good news. You're actually going to be able to go into your supermarket and pour yourself a stiff one. That's right. However, they're no longer going to be able to call it a soft drink anymore. They did come up with a good name — they're going to call it 'Mount and Do.'"

• "A woman comes out of her house in the morning and there's a gorilla in a tree in her front year. She goes, 'Jeez that's silly. You must have escaped last night from the zoo. Then a guy comes and knocks on her door. [Bruce makes a knocking sound on his guitar] She opens the door and he says 'Ma'am, I'm here to remove the gorilla from your tree, and since this isn't really a normal day I'm going to need a little help.' And she says 'Okay ... ' She goes out into the front yard and there's a stick, a pair of handcuffs, a Chihuahua, and a gun. 'Ma'am I'm going to go up into this tree and I'm going to poke the gorilla with this stick, the gorilla's going to fall out of the tree, and when he falls out of the tree this Chihuahua has been trained to bite him in the balls. Then when he covers himself you're going to throw the handcuffs on him. She says, 'Okay but I got one question: What's the shotgun for?'

'If I fall out of the tree first, shoot the Chihuahua!'"

• "A man’s on the couch watching a football game and his wife says, 'The washer don’t work.' And he says, 'What do I look like, the Maytag man?' An hour or so later, she says, 'The toilet wont flush.' He says, 'I’m not Mr. Tidy Bowl.' An hour or so later, she says 'The sink's all stopped up.' He says, 'What, do you think you married Joe the Plumber?' Then a few days go by and the man comes home from work and she goes, 'Oh, honey, the repairmen all came today and they repaired everything.' And he says, 'That’s great. What did it cost?' And she says, 'Well, they said I could either bake them all a cake or have sex with them.'

'Well, what kind of cake did you bake them?'

'What do I look like, Betty Crocker?'"