Madonna to Get Professional Help for ‘Stringy’ Arm Muscles

Ashton Kutcher tweeted away his sorrows over ex-girlfriend Brittany Murphy’s untimely death. Meanwhile, Murphy’s father, who served time in prison on drug charges and hadn’t seen her in three years, lamented to Us about how “lovable” she was. Amy Winehouse is facing police investigation after heckling the cast of a U.K. pantomime performance of Cinderella. Madonna has sought the help of a yoga-inspired British “body-worker” to ensure that her daily iron-pumping routines don’t make her muscles look “stringy and overcut.” And Catherine Zeta-Jones accidentally gave A Little Night Music audience members a peep show when she unwrapped her kimono to reveal nothing underneath. One audience member noted, “No wonder Michael Douglas looks so happy.”

The pin-thin Anna Wintour hopes “curvy” (read: size 4) model Lara Stone’s tell-all in Vogue will “inspire the industry to rethink its current preferences.” Roman Polanski is finishing up his latest film, Ghost, from house arrest in Switzerland, sporting an electronic-monitoring bracelet to ensure he stays within his chalet’s grounds. Kate Hudson is getting over A-Rod by skiing in Aspen with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. Jude Law snuck out of the Sherlock Holmes premiere to have dinner with Sienna Miller at Café Luxembourg. Elin Nordegren wants full custody of her and Tiger’s children, and Leanne Rimes’s husband of seven years filed for divorce. Casey Johnson flew into New York, Tila Tequila in tow, to reclaim the daughter she adopted from Kazakhstan from her mother’s custody.

The thrice-divorced Barbara Walters and Frank Langella are likely an item, though Walters claims “it’s not a romance.” Meryl Streep, meanwhile, will “always do sex scenes.” Following the Inglourious Basterds DVD release party at the Waverly Inn, Quentin Tarantino partied at Avenue with “a pretty blonde,” just before Harvey Weinstein showed up, sipping on water because he’s “looking after his health.” Ever a man of class, Chris Brown hung out with 86 FlashDancer strippers at Greenhouse, but “it was clear he had to be on his best behavior.” Pedro Almodóvar introduced Broken Embraces at BAM before dashing over to catch Cate Blanchett in A Streetcar Named Desire. Blanchett then dropped her kids off at the West Side Park to play in the snow with Hugh Jackman and his son. At a Tribeca Grand Hotel screening, Kate Winslet gushed to Maggie Gyllenhaal and Jeff Bridges about how Crazy Heart made her “come undone.” Rachel Bilson took out her own trash. And Nancy O’Dell walked away from her Access Hollywood gig after thirteen years because co-host Billy Bush acts like a diva in hopes of being “the next Ryan Seacrest.”