New Yorkers are the unhappiest people in the entire country, a report from the Centers for Disease Control recently revealed, and upon hearing the news, CBS went out and asked a bunch of New Yorkers how they felt about it. And you can imagine how they felt about it. They were pissed.
"Why would we be unhappy? What's the unhappy part?" wondered James Pine of the Upper East Side.
"Where else would I want to live?" another asked.
We have to admit they have a point. First of all, WTF, Centers for Disease Control? Is a report like this even your job?
Maybe you should look into preventing, like, the next swine flu or something, instead of spending your resources getting all up in people's business and, like, making judgments about how some people have chosen to live in tiny ridiculously expensive apartments and to spend their days surrounded by a bunch of fellow strivers with delusions of grandeur, working and competing and worrying, all to have access to, what, good imported cheese and see bands, when they could have just settled down in a nice suburban McMansion and married an electrician or gotten a normal nine-to-five job, one that doesn't mess with their psyche or like define them as a person, and spent their evenings not thinking about work but maybe playing Scrabble, perhaps with six to eight affordable suburban children? And CBS: What the hell kind of question is this, anyway? During the holidays, no less. DO WE NOT LOOK HAPPY TO YOU? BECAUSE WE ARE VERY FUCKING HAPPY. That's why we are drinking this entire bottle of promotional Champagne right now. BECAUSE WE ARE FEELING JOYFUL. Now get the hell away from us before we break this bottle over your head.