Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek behind doors left slightly ajar. This week: the Production Assistant Seeing Stars for a Guy Who’s Not Her Boyfriend, 23, female, Staten Island, straight, in a four-year relationship.
6:27 a.m. Awake in bed with my boyfriend of four years, to an unexpected text from my summer fling. He works in Arizona, where he lives with his girlfriend. For most of my relationship I’ve been faithful, but this past summer I went a little hookup happy.
7:30 a.m. We text back and forth while I ride the ferry to work; he calls me “the best.” I feel excited about his contacting me since we haven’t spoken since August, but I’m also unnerved. Usually I can separate sex and emotion, but he got under my skin badly. I should never cuddle or spoon with a fling. Am I really willing to jeopardize my relationship?
8:17 a.m. Drake’s “You Da Best” plays thanks to shuffle. I daydream about Summer Fling and how awesome the sex was. We worked together this past summer, along with his girlfriend. The first night we hooked up was unexpected (for me) but also incredibly fun as he pinned me up against a tree in the woods. He’s quite burly, which is nice, and therefore he can lift a tall woman. The day after, we even had an honest conversation about what we both wanted out of our situation. The only rule was that no one could know or we’d lose friends and significant others.
8:30 a.m. I’m a horrible girlfriend. I feel so deceptive. But I’m only 23, and the idea of being sedentary in my relationship frightens me. Because if I’m bored now, what about in ten years? I’ve tried to broach the monogamy question with the BF three times but he won’t take the bait. On one such recent occasion I gave him explicit permission to touch other women if it keeps him happy in our relationship. I’m going to take his dismissiveness as a don’t ask, don’t tell policy. It is horribly frustrating that I don’t want to hurt him but I don’t want to become resentful of him either.
11:47 a.m. At a press conference. Fellow cameraman eye-fucks me from across the room. I do Kegels while lawyers address my camera directly. I’m not interested, but it’s always nice to get a rise out of random men. It’s not so much their validation, but that I get to be the master of their attention for a short period.
9:03 p.m. Meet up with childhood male friend for drinks. We discuss sex, his long-distance relationship, and work. While he talks I ponder why we never hooked up, but I guess there’s just nothing romantic between us.
1 a.m. BF’s band is playing tonight at a bar on Staten Island. Many of my friends are here for support. I wonder how many would still call me a friend if they knew how unfaithful I am? Our society makes me a bad person for this.
2:45 a.m. Get a ride home with my mother, who is staying with us for a week. BF won’t be home for another hour, so I decide to take care of business myself. For me it’s more enjoyable without an audience.
11:03 a.m. Did I fall asleep trying to get myself off? Wouldn’t be the first time.
3:03 p.m. Since I can’t jump the BF (mom is here), I’m playing The Sims, where I have two characters “Woohoo” as the wife walks in on her husband. I enjoy causing drama in this simulated world. Yes, I resort to Sim sex. God, I feel pathetic.
1:12 a.m. Lying in bed, cuddling with BF. My mother being here sucks my libido down the drain. I’ve always been the child to please rather than tell the truth. Ultimately this has given my mom a narrow perspective of me. I won’t let that happen to BF and I.
1:18 a.m. Text from Summer Fling. I resist the urge to text back. I want him to stay interested. He ended up with most of the power last time, and I won’t go back to that again. Let him wonder about my level of interest. Let his ego take a drop for the moment. Unfortunately, I’m not very good at playing games. I like being up front, as it saves time. But if I’m up front, men seem to take that as needy or too available, so I’m forced to play this bullshit.
9 a.m. Morning run to clear my head. To recap: I’m part-time employed and dislike my job, love but cheat on BF, Summer Fling is stuck in my head. At least I’ll be more toned because of it.
9:25 a.m. Run is unsuccessful at clearing my mind.
6 p.m. Birthday dinner at my place for BF’s mom. I re-create her favorite meal from Blue Water Grill. I love his family and hope that they never find out about my dalliances. I worry about this more than BF finding out.
12:18 a.m. BF has learned a new fingering trick and I love it. Hits both my G-spot and clit simultaneously. Sex is satisfying but nothing exciting. Tonight I have a sense of calm and contentedness.
7:45 a.m. Give the run a second try at clearing my head, this time from a threesome dream involving Summer Fling. Oddly enough, in real life I don’t enjoy anal, but fantasize about other people doing it constantly. Run makes me both hornier and more confident.
5 p.m. Watching Say Yes to the Dress with my mom. The Duggars (17 Kids & Counting) are visiting the bridal shop and they make me want to gag. Sex solely for the purpose of procreation is creepy. How are they seen as a loving and valid family, yet I’m a freak because I want more than one person to sleep with for the rest of my life? Because I love sex and all different kinds of sex? Purity, chastity, virtue — fuck you and your smiling judgment.
9:19 p.m. Sex chat with college buddy. She is also in a long-term relationship with future hubby. She’s telling me about an ADA who has been texting her lately. We are either extremely bad or good for one another. We don’t judge each other; just understand and support. Is that what alcoholics say about each other? Two crackheads will live in harmony forever.
1:56 a.m. My mom is staying in our guest room. BF is sleeping. I haven’t masturbated in a couple days and it’s starting to get to me. I think of it as my selfish retreat.
11:45 a.m. Wake up late, play The Sims as I eat lunch.
7:23 p.m. I often wonder about my fellow ferry riders. What kinks do they have? Would I enjoy them too? I’m also checking out the boat for potential sex nooks. I want to start having public sex with the BF. We’ve recently been discussing expanding our sexual horizons.
10:30 p.m. I leave my ballet class at Broadway Dance feeling limber, both body and mind. I feel strong and wish that I had time to walk to the ferry from 45th Street. I enjoy walking in Manhattan because I like people-watching. Watching their mannerisms and ways they try to attract the other sex is interesting.
1:33 a.m. Can’t sleep. I creep into the living room and masturbate on the couch. Complete success, I’ll fall asleep easily now.
10:20 a.m. I masturbate again because no one is home. I had my first orgasm at 19, which I think was much delayed, and I intend to make up for lost time.
1:30 p.m. Golfing on the South Shore of Staten Island with my mom. Check out the caddies. To get laid on Staten Island, I’d have to pay for it. It’s not like I’m limiting myself, either. I date all races (BF is white). Staten Island guys aren’t anything I pine for, but a convenient fling would be nice.
3:13 p.m. Text from friend about impromptu trip to Atlantic City this weekend. Some solid debauchery this weekend is much needed. I’ll be with girls who all have boyfriends, so I’ll be on my best behavior.
11:30 p.m. BF is tired, so I decide to read as he sleeps. I bought two Blaze books for a friend and I decide to see why she is such a fan. I skip past the plot setup to the sex scenes. Reading a description of sex is pretty powerful. Too bad I’d wake him if I finished myself off. It’s not that he would mind, but masturbation is a selfish pleasure for me.
8:17 a.m. Commuting via ferry, listening to the “Savage Love” podcast. The theme is cheating. Savage says the expectation of monogamy is the problem, not cheating itself. Thank you for validating my behavior! I’ve been raised by TV to feel regretful. I wish I could hold on to this feeling of self-acceptance and decide not to care about societal norms. I’m a good girlfriend in every other way, so why is it that this one trait is what could destroy everything?
12:30 p.m. Debating whether or not to text Summer Fling about the tattoo I now have on my ass. I’m trying to come up with something clever, but it all sounds trite. Give up and decide it will be a surprise for next time.
1 p.m. Daydream about going on a ski vacation with Summer Fling. He could teach me how. I’m consumed by him and I hate it. Reality strikes: I have never lied to BF about where I am or who I’m with, and I think a weeklong trip with another guy would look shady.
1:15 p.m. My job is boring me to death. It’s worse when I have to work with a Spanish-speaking reporter (I don’t speak Spanish).
TOTALS: Five acts of masturbation, one act of intercourse; a dozen acts of text-messaging Summer Fling; hundreds of acts of pondering the void between monogamy and her actions.