If Rachel Uchitel is going to turn down the part the nation has given her as the harlot whose sand trap Tiger Woods has shanked into, well then someone must stand up and claim the part. The gossip cycle demands new flesh! Thankfully, a Los Angeles cocktail waitress with the Dickensian name of Jaimee Grubbs has stepped up to fill the role, informing Us Weekly that she not only had a “steamy 31-month fling” with the golfer, she has text messages, voice mails, and photos to prove it. Which she’ll need, because between her name and her absurdly unconvincing vitae (she appeared on Vh1’s Tool Academy, and also claims to be 24, which, going by her picture, no), her story seems so fake that we almost feel like Woods’s people planted it in order to discredit the entire affair. We wish. That would be such a better ending to this story than what is probably the real one, which is that Woods brushed by Grubbs’s butt once during a promo at Hawaiian Tropic Zone.