Mayor Succeeding in Diabolical Plan to Make Us All Live Longer

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"And I'm taking all you with me, so I still have people to lord over." Photo: Mario Tama/Getty Images

Life expectancy for New Yorkers has increased to an average of 79.4 years. That's a gain of nearly five months since 2006, and the longest average life expectancy ever recorded in New York City, Mayor Bloomberg proudly announced today, along with Thomas Farley, the cyborglike health commissioner with whom he is working to keep us alive even longer by limiting our trans fats, salt, smoking, and assorted other enjoyable things. In his announcement, he was positively jubilant:

“Helping people live longer, better lives is the core responsibility of government, which is why nearly every initiative we take on is focused on that goal,” said Mayor Bloomberg. “The steady, continued increase in life expectancy demonstrates the remarkable progress we have made and the need to continue to press forward with bold health policies."

You know, maybe it's just the weather or the fact that it is Monday or the fact that there are somehow extra days in this month that mean we don't get paid for like a whole other week, but looking at the mayor's smug little face we can't help but think, well, yeah, guy. This is great news for you. You've got billions of dollars, a secure and evolving business, a vacation home to which you travel via private jet. What do we have to look forward to in our golden years? Getting kicked out of our rental apartment, robbed by some young hooligan, negotiating the horrible stairs on the subway with one of those cart things? We guess it's not all bad, though. There's the annual Pinup Boys of the Atlantic Shores Calendar to look forward to, for instance. There's always that.

MAYOR BLOOMBERG AND HEALTH COMMISSIONER FARLEY ANNOUNCE LIFE EXPECTANCY FOR NEW YORKERS HAS INCREASED TO 79.4 YEARS - AN ALL-TIME HIGH [Nyc.gov]